PTSD Caregiver Burnout

It isn’t easy living with someone who is dealing with PTSD. There’s a very real chance that you’ll start to feel what is known as “compassion fatigue” or in layman’s terms – BURNOUT! Compassion fatigue occurs when a caregiver neglects their own self-care in favor of putting most of their effort and focus on caring for their loved one. To learn more about compassion fatigue, read on and consider this valuable resource as well: http://www.compassionfatigue.org

Signs of PTSD Caregiver Burnout

You might be experiencing compassion fatigue if you hear yourself say (or think):

  • “You know what, they just don’t want to get better. I’m tired of helping someone who doesn’t want help!”
  • “Why do they keep lashing out at me? What have I ever done but try to help?”
  • “I can’t even bring myself to ask them how they’re doing, I know it is just going to be the same old answer.”
  • “I know exactly what they should do, but they won’t do it. Forget it.”

Other signs of burnout:

  • Feeling of dread when approaching time to encounter your loved one
  • Blaming yourself because they aren’t getting better
  • Physical fatigue
  • Gastrointestinal problems
  • Feeling depressed
  • Feelings of hopelessness
  • Poor hygiene
  • Poor eating habits
  • Apathy, feeling numb
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Isolating yourself or avoiding others
  • Compulsive behaviors
  • Substance Abuse

… and more.

Strategize How To Cope

1. Don’t take things personally. First of all, when your loved one lashes out at you, please understand that it’s not YOU, it’s the PTSD. Self blaming isn’t helping anyone here. Let the symptoms belong to your loved one alone. This takes practice and it is especially hard when you’re emotionally close to a trauma survivor. To put it simply, understand this: What a person says or does to you tells you much more about him or her than it reveals about you. This takes you back to third grade when Mom told you that Jimmy’s a jerk if he said your jacket was ugly. She was right. Your jacket is fine. Jimmy, he’s got some issues. Forget about his opinion of your jacket and remember what you learned about Jimmy. Anytime you make it about you, you’re placing undue pressure on yourself as well as distracting from the real issue at hand

2. Remind yourself that you are not their therapist or doctor. It’s okay if you don’t know what to do to help. This is a very difficult situation to understand and to deal with. Give yourself permission to not try to fix things.

3. Stay consistent in what you are good at and what your role actually is. You are friend, relative, partner. Your role is to provide support and to provide love. If you want to really shoot for the stars, you can love unconditionally. This is difficult. But remember, it isn’t your fault. It isn’t your loved one’s fault, either. It is important to let the PTSD claim the blame for the difficulties you’re experiencing. When you do this, it allows your relationship to stand strong, allows trust to build, helps the person with PTSD to see that they can have a good relationship even with these symptoms. Focus on that, and you’ll have a better chance of helping your survivor along the journey.

Speak Out!

If you’d like to, it might be a good idea to talk about how your loved one’s PTSD has been affecting you. There may be times you feel you need some space. You’re entitled to feel that way! First, however, have a kind and compassionate discussion laying some groundrules for your absence so that your PTSD loved one understands that you aren’t abandoning him or her but just refueling for your own health. Keep in mind a few tips when and if you decide to broach the topic.

1. Claim your own feelings. “I feel upset and I’d like to spend some time alone to figure out my feelings,” or “I feel tired and I think I need to do some alone time to refresh myself,” are good ways to communicate your feelings and intentions.

2. When they ask if it is because of them, let them know how you’ve received/interpreted things. “When you close the door and don’t respond when I knock, I wonder if you are trying to get away from me. I take your actions personally.” This allows them to confirm or deny if it is personal or not and it allows you to say how you feel without making it sound as if they are to blame for how you feel.

3. Follow through with what you say. If you say you want to get away to refresh, then do it. Even if the conversation went well so now you feel there is no need, or if you felt guilty and as if you’d be abandoning him or her if you went, still take that small break. You’ll show your survivor and yourself that taking small breaks is survivable and beneficial. (Obviously use discretion with children or persons with disabilities).

Give Yourself Space

One thing you can do to help yourself recharge is to refresh yourself emotionally, physically, and socially. Remember, you have a life, too, and it’s time you participated in it! It would also be prudent to let go of some of the responsibilities you’ve placed on yourself. Responsibilities that don’t necessarily belong to you.

Ways to refresh include:

1 – Emotionally: journal for self-reflection, therapy, coaching, do things you enjoy

2 – Physically: exercise, spend time away physically

3 – Socially: get YOUR friend time in, get out of the house yourself

Ways to Let Go

If you find yourself clinging to your loved one who is suffering from PTSD, it’s time we looked into the issue of codependency. It’s possible that you depend on being the helper as much as your loved one depends on being the receiver of help.

1. Learn about codependency and examine yourself

2. List what you’re doing for your loved one that he/she could be doing for him or herself.

3. Talk to your loved one about the ideas you’ve come up with and ask where he or she would like to start taking responsibility.

4. If you’re having particular trouble letting go of the control over your loved one’s life choices & decisions, it might be a great time to talk about trying family therapy.