Wrapping up our celebration of National Poetry Month, this week’s PTSD poem comes from Grasshopper Stephanie, author of  the guest post, On Being A Survivor.

You Were Wrong About Me and One Day, I Will Truly Believe It

 by Grasshopper Stephanie
To my abuser –
You were sneaky and took what you wanted.
i was no one to you……an object.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You hid what you could be to others around you.
You showed me your side you carefully hid.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You touched me where you were never supposed to.
You stole something precious from me i have badly needed!
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You cared only for you own pleasure that morning
At such an unexpected opportunity for yourself.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You may have believed i would not understand and would forget.
That i would think it was only “playing.”
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You scared me with your mean and silencing looks,
Betting on my obedient, fearful nature.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You may have thought that i would always be the quiet, good, and scared, little girl
Who would never tell a soul, who would just forget.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
i am no longer a little girl.
i am no longer as quiet.
i am no longer as silent, although i only whisper.
i am no longer your slave.
i am no longer your toy.
i am no longer your puppet on a string.
i am no longer frozen inside an ice of pain.
i am no longer by myself in this fight.
i am no longer alone.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
You are dead now, lucky you!, and i am alive, painfully alive
And living with the emptiness and despair you heaped upon me.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
But you stole from me, i didn’t give of me to you.
You slashed my soul and ripped my heart and spirit.
You altered my life course and shattered what trust i had left.
You tore from me my child’s innocence as if it were nothing.
You stole from me intimacy in future relationships.
You stripped me of belief i was
Worth loving,
Worth knowing,
Worth defending,
Worth having,
Worth receiving help,
Worth hearing,
Worth being heard,
Worth even living.
You shocked me with a knowing i should not have yet known.
In your self-gratification, you handed me a lifetime of
Shame,
Guilt,
Depression,
Mistrust,
Fear,
Sadness,
Loneliness,
Despair.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
You thought i would never be strong enough to speak because i was just a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
You were wrong.
i may only whisper now and i may still cower and run in fear.
But my voice will get stronger though i do not know how
And i will somehow take Me back and be free of you.
Someday i will not just be a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
Somehow, someday, even me, i, this self within, will know and truly believe that
You were wrong.
s   7/24/2009