PTSD Survivor Poetry by Grasshopper Stephanie

Posted by Michele Rosenthal

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 • PTSD Guest Post: Survivors Speak

Wrapping up our celebration of National Poetry Month, this week’s PTSD poem comes from Grasshopper Stephanie, author of  the guest post, On Being A Survivor.

You Were Wrong About Me and One Day, I Will Truly Believe It

 by Grasshopper Stephanie
To my abuser -
You were sneaky and took what you wanted.
i was no one to you……an object.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You hid what you could be to others around you.
You showed me your side you carefully hid.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You touched me where you were never supposed to.
You stole something precious from me i have badly needed!
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You cared only for you own pleasure that morning
At such an unexpected opportunity for yourself.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You may have believed i would not understand and would forget.
That i would think it was only “playing.”
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You scared me with your mean and silencing looks,
Betting on my obedient, fearful nature.
You thought it didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, little girl.
You were wrong.
You may have thought that i would always be the quiet, good, and scared, little girl
Who would never tell a soul, who would just forget.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
i am no longer a little girl.
i am no longer as quiet.
i am no longer as silent, although i only whisper.
i am no longer your slave.
i am no longer your toy.
i am no longer your puppet on a string.
i am no longer frozen inside an ice of pain.
i am no longer by myself in this fight.
i am no longer alone.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
You are dead now, lucky you!, and i am alive, painfully alive
And living with the emptiness and despair you heaped upon me.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
You were wrong.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a quiet, good, and scared, little girl.
But you stole from me, i didn’t give of me to you.
You slashed my soul and ripped my heart and spirit.
You altered my life course and shattered what trust i had left.
You tore from me my child’s innocence as if it were nothing.
You stole from me intimacy in future relationships.
You stripped me of belief i was
Worth loving,
Worth knowing,
Worth defending,
Worth having,
Worth receiving help,
Worth hearing,
Worth being heard,
Worth even living.
You shocked me with a knowing i should not have yet known.
In your self-gratification, you handed me a lifetime of
Shame,
Guilt,
Depression,
Mistrust,
Fear,
Sadness,
Loneliness,
Despair.
You thought i didn’t matter because i was just a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
You thought i would never be strong enough to speak because i was just a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
You were wrong.
i may only whisper now and i may still cower and run in fear.
But my voice will get stronger though i do not know how
And i will somehow take Me back and be free of you.
Someday i will not just be a good, quiet, scared, obedient, withdrawn, lonely, little girl.
Somehow, someday, even me, i, this self within, will know and truly believe that
You were wrong.
s   7/24/2009

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5 Responses to “PTSD Survivor Poetry by Grasshopper Stephanie”

  1. a young man in a big scary world says:

    Your poem made me feel emotions I’ve been holding in for what feels like eternity. It’s so close to my heart I feel I could have written it myself. It was truly beautiful in sad angry type of way… :’(. I too will take Me back. Thank you for posting this :’(.

  2. Aurora says:

    Thank You for YOUR expression of MY life.

    In words that I could never find, you captured my experiences……past and present. It is uncanny how you spoke about my feelings: about my horrible sense of self and about loosing myself in my feelings of worthlessness.

    Thank you for helping me get mad and seeing my way through to blaming the right person.

  3. Grasshopper says:

    i am glad you responded and let me know my words helped to describe your own experiences. Amazing it makes you mad – you see, i’m working hard to really tap in to my anger and throw away any blame upon myself. So then, your reply has helped me! Thank you to you too!

  4. Grasshopper says:

    Dear Aurora (Again), Just wanted you to know i was in Group Therapy and felt frustration about some trauma healing and i actually growled! i think some Anger came up, what about you??? Thanks for your comment because i am sure that it was part of a lot of things helping me to get in touch with this Part of Me. Thanks! And hang in there – it is all a process. We are all a work in progress. Take care of yourself.
    grasshopper

  5. Grasshopper says:

    Dear Young Man in a Scary World -
    i deeply hope in my heart that you are ok and in the process of reclaiming your true self. Take your self back. Don’t keep holding stuff in. i have done that most of my life and my health is very bad.
    Find what makes you feel happy, creative, calm and connected!
    Hoping you are well enough,
    grasshopper

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