PTSD Survivors Speak: PTSD from the Inside Out, Part 2

We met Wayne at the end of July when he introduced us to his journey. This week we see how Wayne dealt with his struggle and reached a good place in his life.

PTSD from the Inside Out

I think the last turning point in my fight with PTSD began just prior to the birth of my son when I was 42. I had a small business that had been successful but prior to the birth of my son I had fallen into what seemed like deep and hopeless depression. This is when I became involved with the Veterans Administration and had started therapy. The heavy duty medications began as well. For four years I attended therapy sessions week after week.

Nothing ever seemed like it was working. I didn’t seem to have any thing in common with others in my group therapy sessions. This made me withdraw even more and feel even more hopeless. My physiologist was a retired B-52 pilot of the Vietnam era. He probably came the closest to understanding my dilemma. He was the only therapist that actually talked to me like I was a person not a subject. I had no faith in therapist by this time as they really didn’t do much to help me out of my bubble. This psychologist was different. We always ended our sessions with a couple good jokes. Over time we became good friends and have remained friends all these years.

More years passed as I accepted a job in another city and closed down my business. I was having increasing difficulty in dealing with stress, anxiety and depression. Medications that traditionally was prescribed for depression would not work for me.  I again would seek help at an established PTSD clinic run by a local V.A. hospital. Another two years and more drug trials to help control anxiety and depression but nothing seemed to work well. It seemed to be the consensus in the clinic that the best way to deal with PTSD was to train one to deal with combat flashbacks, dreams and anxiety attacks and to recognize them for what they were.

Though this gave us tools to battle the anti-social issues it never addressed the most prevalent problems effecting my life. I had come to my own conclusion that prolonged exposure to combat actually changed something in my mind permanently (I say this not as a expert  but based upon my years of experience with PTSD seeing it from the inside out). I also found that no matter how much I tried, I was not able to rationalize the problems away. I found myself beginning to feel very self-destructive as I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life feeling this way. I still had two school age children and was horrified that I might fail them. A terrible dilemma it seemed.

I continued to attend therapy and try new drugs which had horrible side effects. Along with my other health problems, I was a real mess. As in most case studies that I had researched, the individual had great difficulty in relationships as did I. It became increasingly difficult to communicate. Either no one wanted to hear about how I felt or were so confused that they didn’t really try to understand. This always seemed to deepen the isolation and misunderstanding. There was a sense of distancing oneself from everyone in order to find even a marginal zone of comfort.

When I retired on a small farm I had started to feel that I wanted to close off the bubble around me so as not to have to deal with the outside world. I still have days when I wish I weren’t having to deal with life’s problems any longer but then I get a hug from my son, he tells me how much he loves me or I hear my daughter play in a concert and I find reason to focus on them and not my affliction. If not for them I fear I would not be here writing this. PTSD has its own imprint unlike any other and I believe better ways can be found to treat this unusual problem.

I hope by writing this that other veterans might recognize something in themselves and seek help. I have since re-enrolled at the new PTSD clinic at my local V.A. hospital as they are trying new techniques for the treatment of PTSD sufferers. I can only hope that I might find some piece of mind. We should all pray for our young men and women returning from war, we need to have an open heart and ear. Listen to them and let them know that they are very special and you are there to support them. Pray for their well being and for better ways to deal with their post war issues. God bless them all.

Wayne Janousek
Jarrell, Texas

12/25/2009 UPDATE

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

Tags: ptsd, veterans, vietnam