Making the Shift: Being Honest About Myself
Monday, August 2nd, 2010 • PTSD Recovery Tips •
I’m going to be vulnerable with you. Something strange is going on for me. I’ve been 100% PTSD-free for 3 years, but I’m realizing now I’ve never really owned that fact. I’ve known it was true, but in my quest to make meaning out of my survival, in the time since my recovery I’ve turned my attention outward, toward helping others and so I haven’t paid a lot of attention to myself.
And then last week I broke my toe and, unable to walk, drive, or dance (which has been an enormous part of my PTSD recovery), I’ve had a lot of extra time to sit and think. And here’s what’s happened: I’ve been overwhelmed by the reality of what I’ve done.
All week strong rushes of emotion have surprised me and left me needing to catch my breath. My trauma was medical. In the past, to have something wrong with my body terrified me (yes, even something as innocuous as a broken toe would have set me into a downward spiral of PTSD symptoms). In the past month I’ve had 2 medical emergencies and I’ve remained calm. Untriggered. At peace. Most importantly, connected to my body and the present moment with clarity, strength and power.
The truth is, becoming PTSD-free was a goal I often didn’t think I would reach. And then I did, and in the past few years I have been working hard to make up for all those other years of lost time. I’ve founded a business, gotten three certifications, and built a practice of helping other survivors on their healing journey.
In all of that busyness, I haven’t once sat down in a quiet space to give thanks. Today, I am doing that. Today, I am owning who I am, appreciating the battle I fought and joyfully accepting that I won.
Each and every one of us has an instinctive feeling that without trauma and PTSD we could be someone else. We are right about that. For each of us there exists — beneath the layers of experience that get dumped on us — an authentic, genuine self. Our job in recovery is to remove all those layers of garbage so that the self we may only intuitively feel and imagine can stand up, walk straight, and be free.
As my own journey continues to unfold and I learn to become more and more of this post-trauma woman I am choosing to become, my belief in the recovery process and the possibility of it for every survivor deepens with each day.
Last Friday in my office I watched a middle-aged client who has had PTSD since the age of two, close a door on the past and spontaneously yell, “I’m free!” And I thought again, “Yes, me too.” It’s a feeling I’m continuing to get used to.
I am free. One day, I hope all of us will be.
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“Each and every one of us has an instinctive feeling that without trauma and PTSD we could be someone else”. Those few words, for me, go straight to the heart of my own battle with myself and my past. Well done.
Congratulations with your acknowledgement and gratitude. I hope one day I may be able to say and so the same.
Thank you for sharing.
I know all about broken toes. Ouch! And I also know EXACTLY what you mean. It’s only been about a year and a half for me, but every now and then I remember how things used to be not so terribly long ago. And while life still has it’s challenges, they no longer include PTSD.
Such a blessing, isn’t it?
@Gerard — It was exactly that idea that 1) drove me crazy, 2) kept me going!
@ Donna — The most important thing I did was never give up. Even on my most bleak, hopeless days I ….. found some way to hope again.
@ Svasti — SUCH a blessing, indeed. It’s almost surreal sometimes. I was so used to being in the PTSD state that for a long while I just couldn’t believe the siege was over. Now I can though, and I love it!