PTSD Survivors Speak: PTSD from the Inside Out, Part 1

Wayne is a tough survivor. He’s a vet and he struggles with PTSD — but he doesn’t take it lying down! As he says in his own words:

“I realize my post may differ from many previous posts but I am a survivor and have found ways to keep some balance in my life. A PTSD sufferer is not less devastating but very different.  My story may describe many lows but it is the real story of Hell on earth that a PTSD sufferer experiences and I am only one in the thousands. When you read my post try not to feel sympathy but rather see the progression of this terrible affliction. I have continued to seek fresh ideas and ways to help myself. I live on a small farm in Texas and love living in the country. I love my dogs and horses. Its amazing how they can give so much but ask little in return. My youngest daughter just turned 18 and will be leaving to go into the Marine Corp. very soon.  Happiness for me is living each day and trying to see the goodness of life for that day and each day individually.”

Wayne’s got courage and determination. I admire that.

P.T.S.D.  From the Inside Out

Growing up in a small Southern Idaho town provided a very safe environment with a very stable and close family life. Physiological disorders didn’t seem to be prevalent in my family. The controversy today is, who really suffers from PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ) and how do we really identify a case of combat related PTSD?  I believe that Combat related PTSD is an entirely different and more destructive than a traumatic, one time event. I am not a physiologist but have always tried to understand why my life has been such a struggle. Why I have had to fight over the last 20 years to “try and feel normal”. I have searched for answers to explain those questions. I have long lost count of the therapy sessions I have had and one things stands out, not one of the professionals in the field of physiological or psychiatry that treated me had the answers I was seeking.

Many times they would want to pick my brain for details in order to ( I assume ) better educate themselves so they might be better informed when treating a PTSD sufferer. What is it that makes a combat veteran come home and then commit suicide? Does the government really have a handle on the PTSD issues? In previous wars they didn’t know exactly what the disorder was better yet, treat the problem. In WWII they called it “shell shock”, maybe it was the same thing but we may never know. I want to share my experiences dealing with PTSD in hopes this article will help inform all the men and women who are returning from Iraq not really knowing what they may be up against in the coming years.

Returning from duty in a combat zone. Having spent days, weeks, and months on patrols not knowing in which second you might die. Adrenaline runs high, always keyed up, ready to jump. Some coming home can make the adjustments. Many times how a person adapts depends on their environment, home life, job and the support from family and friends. I knew I would never be the same. Sometimes family members looked at me differently. I was now an official adrenaline junky.  Boredom sets in, boredom like you can’t imagine. With the boredom comes depression and antisocialism. Everything is too quiet, too safe. I had great difficulty working a job, any job. After a year I was wanting to go back into the service, to get back into my “environment”.  Often people will say, “why would you want to go back to war”. It is one way to feed our adrenaline addiction. That seems to be what drives the wanting to get back into the action even though they may die and leave their family and life behind. For me the war in Viet Nam was ending. After being allowed to re-enlist in the military, I found some relief by accepting orders to a military police unit in the Republic of the Philippines.

For a time ( late 30′s and 40′s) I was able to withdraw from the things going on in my mind. I found it less difficult to mask the feelings of boredom. Being bored depressed still seemed to be the prevailing problem. Staying in the military for me was my only salvation at that time. I married and had three children but in 9 years my marriage fell completely apart and I was divorced. I could have used some of that head shrinking about then.

I had remarried again and not long after I retired from the military. Within months it seemed the roof caved in again. I no longer had my military connection. I nearly suffered a breakdown. It’s hard to describe the emptiness. It seemed like being inside a bubble of emptiness while the world goes by on the outside. If I had to describe what PTSD is like, it would be like being trapped in a bubble of misery with no way to get out. The military had been my only thread to the outside of the bubble and the thing that had devoured my right mind. Civilian life seemed so incredibly dull but yet I was able to find ways to feel some worth and even some happiness. Then the world caved in again when I began to have relationship issues.

The worst part of this problem is that the smallest thing that happens can be so incredibly devastating.  I went back to school full time and working full time trying to find something in life that would make me feel like life was worth living.  I’m not even sure what I was looking for but I was so busy I only had time to work, study and sleep. Immersing oneself was a means of survival. Many times on my way to work I would want to turn left instead of right and just keep on going to somewhere.

Next week Wayne reaches his turning point.

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

Tags: combat, military, ptsd, veteran