PTSD Survivors Speak – An interview with Cynthia Manor

I spoke to an artist today who is healing his soul through creating artistic nature videos. Over and over I am reminded how art can transform tragedy into something and resolvable. Today, another artist uses her creative gifts toward healing, and shares with us the process.

1. What, if any, relation did you have to poetry before using it as a therapeutic method?

I started writing poetry when I was in grade school.  As far back as then, I have experienced off and on periods of depression, including some that would be considered severe.   So, I believe that the poetry and the pain have more or less co-existed for about the same length of time, including encompassing the period of time after I was sexually assaulted.  This happened during my last semester at the University of Texas, right before final exams, November 28, 1993.  

Although the subject matter of my poems has not always been about the depression or PTSD per se, I believe that somehow whatever feelings of despair I have felt feed into all of my poetry and that perhaps I would not be a poet if it weren’t for for that muse.  I have also kept journals over the years.
 
2. What first inspired you to explore your trauma/PTSD/depression experience in art form?  

I had been writing poetry off and on for years prior to being sexually assaulted in 1993.  In addition, after this happened, I took up crocheting, which I had learned how to do as a child.  As with writing poetry, crocheting helped me to take the pain and create something with beauty.  I often made baby blankets as gifts, and today as part of my “poetry ministry” I write poems for friends or other individuals who have fallen on hard times, i.e., death of a loved one, or for special events, i.e., birthdays.   (Ironically, I still have the first blanket I began working on after the assault).

3. In what way do you feel using artistic expression has furthered your healing? 

As bad has I have felt at times, if it weren’t for writing things would have been much, much worse.  People can’t be with you 24 hours a day when you are going through a “bad patch” – one inevitably has to deal with the pain in the absence of family and friends, the pen and pad are always there to fill in that void as needed, whether it’s in the form of journaling, writing poems, or even writing prayers.  PTSD is not something that you get and then it just gradually wears off – at least my journey wasn’t like that – and being able to express ones feelings in an artistic way can go a long way towards dealing with the peaks, valleys, and winding road that persons living with PTSD can experience.  

4. What’s the single most important benefit you’ve discovered from expressing your trauma this way? 

The most important benefit for me has been being able to, with God’s help, take something terrible and make something worthwhile out of it. It helps me to feel that the years of off and on depression, and the sexual assault, did not happen “for nothing”, that something good can come out of human suffering, perhaps even something that can benefit others.

5. What have you learned about healing by filtering it through art? 

I’ve learned that the scope of healing can extend far beyond the lives of those undergoing the healing.  The art created during the healing process can be used not only to enrich the lives of others with beauty, but to teach, expand awareness, to ease the suffering of others, and bring people together who may have experienced the same kind of trauma so that we do not feel so alone.   

6. Do you have a single piece of work that you feel best embodies what you were trying to express? What elevates this piece above the others? 

There is a poem I wrote back in 1996 dealing specifically with my being sexually assaulted. It’s called “Melancholy” (see below).  I think it best describes how bad I felt at times after that happened.  I wrote this three years after the assault, but PTSD does not know time.   

7. What tip would you give someone who is interested in exploring the idea of addressing his/her own traumatic experience through poetry?  

I would have to say not to aim for “perfection” — just write what you feel however it comes out, then if you want to go back and edit it you can.  The most important thing is to get the feelings out.  I have found that if I try to bridle my words too closely when writing a new piece then I don’t get very far.  Also, don’t judge what you have written, and keep everything, even if it’s something you think should be tossed in the wastebasket.

‘Melancholy’, by Cynthia Manor

There is a place within my heart,
the womb of my soul & dreams,
but now it has been rendered barren
& bears me fruit no more.

For in this tomb, the Reaper sows
by the promise of my tears
the seedlings of rage and fear
which burgeon to misery.

The blight steeps the recesses
of my entire existence
leaving no joy untainted,
nor dormant wound unfestered.

There is no haven without or within
to flee this pestilence.
So I walk in an illusion–
a phantom whom no one can feel.

Emotions and thoughts are raveled
by the shrapnel of insanity.
Reality is splintered beyond the point
of discernability.

No more do I see the Girl
who played with dolls & fantasies,
who rollicked free in carelessness
& danced with innocence,

Nor the Woman who’s braved perdition
with the aegis of her Spirit,
who weaved poetry and psalms
from the siege of thunderstorms.
 
I, the Child, lay raped beneath
the sickle which crafted Our demise,
crying silently
with every etch into our Heart.
(1996)

www.soldiergirl.net

For more information on Cynthia –  www.cynthiamanor.com

Cynthia Manor, a 45-year-old native Austinite, grew up and still lives in the Montopolis neighborhood in Austin, Texas, and has been writing poetry off and on since grade school. She graduated from the University of Texas at Austin in 1993 and currently works as a Data Manager for a major employer in Austin.

She has a son, Xavier, who is 24. Cynthia has been published three times in the Austin International Poetry Festival’s annual anthology and has written pieces for local Juneteenth celebrations.

Her most important writing, however, is for her “poetry ministry” in which she writes and dedicates inspirational pieces for individuals she knows who are going through difficulties in their lives.   She also writes pieces for special occasions on an as-requested basis.

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

Tags: healing, poetry, ptsd, soldiergirl.net