PTSD Professional Perspective: Project Butterfly Code, Part 5
Friday, June 11th, 2010 • PTSD Guest Post: Professional Perspective •
Using the Code to Transform a Relationship — Personal or Professional
One of the most profoundly fulfilling applications of the Butterfly Code is repairing a difficult relationship or enriching an already good relationship. Simply said, your relationships — the better they are — are always a major support, in ways apparent and ways not apparent, for healing any personal challenge you are up against. I use the Butterfly Code for every important relationship I have and I have many stories. Here are two.
Awhile back, my two little boys, 6 and 9 years old at the time, became addicted to Pokemon cards. It got bad. They didn’t want to do any family activities with my wife and me, they were belligerent about doing little chores around the house, they were angry having to do their homework, and couldn’t wait to get out to play with their friends in the neighborhood because they all had Pokemon cards; and they begged me every week to buy new and “more powerful” Pokemon cards.
I had to do something. I made a committed decision using the Code exactly as I’ve outlined it in these articles. My decision went like this, “I am determined and committed to the life success of Elliot and Euan. I have no clue how I’m going to pull off this commitment, but I will!”
A week or so later, I finally told them, “No more Pokemon cards, and I’m taking the ones you have and putting them away.” I gave them all the reasons any parent would and they were angry at me. We argued, and they made their case about how useless and boring school and homework was.
All three of us were upset. I had an impulse to take them for a walk and did. Pretty soon we had our upset worked off. Walking by a bus stop, Elliot suggested we get on a bus and go get a burrito. The bus showed up in 4 minutes, and from the moment we got on, we were having a blast, laughing and enjoying our impulsive adventure. Eating our burritos later, Elliot said, “This is so fun, dad, taking the bus like that, you can have the cards. We don’t need them.” Euan chimed in to agree. He added, “But you have to take us on the bus once in a while.” I was speechless — completely! I could not believe my ears. When we got home, they eagerly gathered up every card in the house and turned them over to me. It was a miracle. And I agreed to the bus rides.
And it gets better. Within a week, they both started — finally — reading for pleasure. Elliot started and continues to journal and they both draw and write cartoons now. I gave them back all their cards two months later — and they were hardly interested.
I have an executive that I coach, and before every meeting I use the full Code to make a committed decision, “I am committed to Dan’s life success. I have no clue how I’m going to pull off this commitment, but I will!” We create a breakthrough nearly every session, and at the end he often tells me, “I was considering cancelling our meeting because I felt so busy. I am glad I didn’t. You’re in my life for a reason.”
My heart and passion is completely in it when I encourage you to create your own Codes to transform all the relationships that are important to you. You can expect miracles. You can also use it for meetings with more than one person present. I have not found a limit to the ways you can use the Butterfly Code to positively influence your relationships-even where you don’t particularly like the person.
Creating Your Own Full Code for Relationships is Quite Simple
The Five Keys go like this (speak them out loud):
1. Make a committed decision, “I declare, I am determined and committed to the life success of ______. I have no clue how I am going to pull this commitment off, but I will!”
2. Identify a natural first step you could take the next day, supporting that decision. For example, “At the beginning of our conversation I am going to tell them one thing I really like and admire about them.”
3. Admit to yourself, all your fears, concerns, and doubts about how this isn’t going to work.
4. Entrust and surrender the unfolding of your committed decision to the bigger you. For example, “I entrust and surrender the unfolding of this committed decision to all that I am, all I am a part of, and all that is a part of me. And I am absolutely committed.”
5. Release your expectations and be willing to improvise. For example, “I am ready and open to this committed decision to unfold in unexpected, surprising and even challenging ways-and for it to unfold in fulfilling, satisfying, inspiring, enjoyable, and fun ways!”
Your relationships could be a pivotal key to your dilemma. Try it, today! And tell us your story.
For a fuller explanation of all 6 Keys of the Butterfly Code, go to http://mikeblackstone.com The password is: code
Next month, The 6th Key of the Butterfly Code, Actively Looking for Random Clues That Support Your Committed Decision.
Copyright © 2010 by Michael Blackstone
Tags: Butterfly Code, Mike Blackstone
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Hi, Mike -
I like the idea of committing first and then figuring out how to make it happen later . . . I tend to be a “planner”, so it is easy for me to get so hung up on figuring out how to make something happen that I never to around to the doing. I have found that having a clear commitment, and then trusting that I’ll make the choices that best support that commitment, is a good way to go!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
I was really impressed with your blog and with your courage and determination. I’m also really heartened at your experience with having a clear commitment and then trusting. Try the full Code once. Pick any relationship important to you and do it. You will find using the Code makes a huge difference, often amazingly. Then I’d love to hear your story.
All the best to you, —Mike
Hi. I’d just like to say thanks for introducing us to the Butterfly Code on these pages. It’s a really powerful tool. Spending too much left-brain time on paperwork just recently, it was a shock to discover I still had a “I’m not worth knowing” message in here! Having identified the concerns, fears and doubts around a belief in being loveable, and making my commitments to some first steps to take, I slept on it. How effortless it has been since not just with finding time for friends, family and the rest of my support network, but also to re-connect with meditation practice.
Jo, you’ve made my day! I still deal with insecurities I don’t know are there, like, “Is what I have to offer really worth anything to anyone?” Well, it popped its head up when I read your post and was inspired—often the other side of inspired is diappointment. I am going right to work on it with a Code, thanks to you and the unexpected “random clue” you sent my way. I send you more than thanks. All the best —Mike (ps. See, your practice is well on its way!)
Jo, btw, the link to your site when I click on your name above doesn’t work.
I read the whole series. This is great! It is so user friendly. When you are a family in crisis, you don’t need Freud you need easy to use processes. Thanks for sharing this. I will be sure to share it with our Homeward Deployed coaches.