PTSD Survivors Speak: Healing Nicole, Part 2

Building on her post from last week, in this installment of “Healing Nicole” although her obsession continues, Nicole Bissett continues to make some positive changes.

Healing Nicole, Part 2

In October of 2008, nearly one year after the finality of our divorce, I sent my ex a birthday email, and we began seeing each other again. We talked, and I thought surely my miracle was on its way. Yet months went by, and we seemed to have the same circular conversations. I was also obsessed with him finding another woman, which kept me holding on with a death grip.

Finally in June of 2009, he told me the relationship was going nowhere, and he didn’t want to work on things anymore. He was still showing signs that he wouldn’t change, yet, I kept after him.

I was still making positive life changes, though. I had quit drinking altogether in October of 2008. Drinking was something I had come to rely on all too often to cope with the anxiety I lived with. 

In late August of 2009, I decided I wanted to lose some weight. I was finally ready. But I also had a motive… I was going to get as skinny as I was in my twenties, and then he’d see me and be sorry! Well, I succeeded in losing 28 pounds, but, surprise surprise… he wasn’t sorry. I also had several successful jobs by then. I had gone from a studio apartment to a two-bedroom with my son. I was able to get off of food stamps and SSI, and today, I am self-supporting. I told myself that I would continue to move up in the world. In fact, I would become rich, and buy his family out of their big home, and he could come and be my butler… if I were to be so gracious. Then he’d surely be sorry. Wrong again! 

Regardless of my outward accomplishments, I still felt empty inside. My obsession with him was out of control. I would call his sister, who was also my best friend long before I met him, and ask if she saw him with any other woman, how he looked, how he seemed, etc. I couldn’t seem to get the raging jealousy and fear out of my head, not to mention that I was totally defenseless against the painful dreams that came to me when I slept. Memories and triggers plagued me daily.

We still saw each other on occasion. Though my aha! moment happened on December 7, 2009, I had been building up to it in prayer for weeks. I rose early in the morning and prayed for a complete breakthrough. I had been releasing him into God’s hands, saying: “I release him to you by faith. Help my feelings align with my faith choice, because these feelings are killing me.” God was showing me that he was, and is the true heart surgeon. He tells us to “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4: 23). Finally, on Monday, December 7, 2009, He gave me the strength to make that choice.  

In our last conversation, my ex told me he didn’t owe me anything else, and that if he found a woman he wanted to pursue, he would pursue her. The last thing I told him was that I would find out who she was — I would hold him accountable — I would get a hold of her and tell her the truth about him.

I was so emotionally wound up, that I had to take the rest of the day off of work. I had already been called out on my performance before on several occasions on account of my concentration problems. This day, I decided, would be my last.

Nicole is the mother of a 15-year-old son, and currently works as a freelance writer. She has plans to become a certified life coach in July. Since she began to heal from her divorce, her latest passion is to write about, speak about, and assist in the healing process she went through in the hope of reaching out to others. Nicole’s dream is to work with trauma survivors, especially those who have suffered from the long-lasting affects and traumatic bonds of domestic violence. She volunteers her services to Heal My PTSD, as well as the Jonestown Institute. She can be reached via email at  nicole@healmyptsd.com, via Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/
or on Twitter, http://twitter.com/

The final installment of “Healing Nicole” will appear next Wednesday.

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

Tags: ptsd