PTSD Survivors Speak: Listening to that still, small voice
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 • PTSD Guest Post: Survivors Speak •
Marie is a very interesting blogger who covers a lot of survivor material on her blog ‘Coming Out of the Trees (excerpts from my therapy journal)‘. Last month I had the privilege of guest posting on her blog. I wrote about Tipping the PTSD (Power) Balance. Today, Marie guest posts for us about finally hearing that small voice inside, and letting it lead you to healing.
Listening to that small, still voice
When I look back over my life, I can see several powerful driving forces that have shaped my behavior over my lifetime. In my early childhood, the driving force was my innocence. I played and laughed and picked on my older sister just like one would expect an innocent child to do. But, there was a secret darkness in my soul.
I was raised in a very strict Christian home with puritanical moral values. Approval and acceptance from my dad was contingent upon my ability to meticulously comply with his rules and God’s rules. On the inside, I knew I was failing to meet the expectations of morality set forth by my dad – because I knew I was really a dirty, nasty, sinful little girl. If anyone ever found out about the disgusting, perverted movies that played in my head, they would know that I was not pure enough to ever make it to heaven.
To hide my secret, I tried to behave outwardly like a good girl that God would love. I was pretty sure I wasn’t fooling God, but I thought I might be able to fool my dad into believing I was worthy of his approval. It seemed to work until about the time puberty came around. By then, my dad seemed to be more displeased than pleased with me. I sensed it was a losing battle and I pretty much gave up on meeting his expectations.
So, I started looking to other males to quench my unquenchable need for approval and acceptance. If someone was male, I wanted his attention. It didn’t matter if he was twenty years older than me, or if he was the scum of the earth; I indiscriminately craved his approval.
Instead of gaining acceptance, I was shunned – labeled a “pain in the butt” and a “loser”. And, that drove me to search even harder for male approval – a cyclic disaster in the making.
Then, I attended a Christian college – and struggled to find peace amid my internal warfare. On one hand, I wanted to appear to be a “pure” Christian girl that “quality” guys would want to marry – I so desperately wanted to be a “good” wife – or as “good” as I could be, given the secretive “truth” about me.
On the other hand, I wanted to be seen and acknowledged by a man – any man – so badly that I was willing to hand over my body to any man who wanted to fondle and disrespect it. Being “good” wasn’t attracting any male attention – but the promise of naughty nakedness sure did. I believed my body was all I had to offer. These pathetic scraps of attention were better than nothing.
This frantic pattern continued even after college – but the men of my adulthood were men that wanted only my [now-weary] nakedness. They didn’t even pretend to appreciate the intangible parts of me. It wasn’t until I was approaching my fortieth birthday that I finally figured out this approach was not working. I finally gave it up and withdrew from social contact. I slumped into a life of depressive isolation.
And yet . . . in the isolation and in the absence of desperate searching, I found a still, small voice inside of me. I guess it had been there all along – I had just been so focused on looking for comfort outside of myself that I had never really noticed it before. I had to become a recluse in order to find it.
It is this still, small voice that is now guiding me though the healing process. I have figured out that this voice is trustworthy – it always has my best interest at heart. It doesn’t want anything from me; it only wants for me to experience health and vitality and pleasure and joy.
This dependable voice is helping me to understand the source of those vile images I carried with me from an innocent age – and it is teaching me how to replace those images with healing mental images. It is also teaching me that I know best what I need to do in order to heal. No one knows better – no one.
This steady voice is teaching me that I am good enough – that I am already lovable. And, in some ways, it is teaching me about God in a context which honors who I am now and who I have always been – secrets and all.
I’m still learning how to listen to this still, small voice. Sometimes I find myself distracted by that historical pull of needing others to provide approval. Sometimes, in those distracted moments, I think the voice is telling me to start back down that path of frantic searching. In those moments, I pay attention to my body – do I feel like I’m moving towards a safe, warm place or a desperate place? If it’s a desperate place, then it’s fear rather than my inner voice that’s guiding me. Sometimes my brain gets so noisy that it is hard to tell the difference.
That’s when I remind myself . . . if I’m too busy to listen, the voice sits patiently and waits . . . it only speaks when I am ready to listen. So, in those moments, I turn my attention back into myself, find a quiet spot where I can listen carefully . . . and just listen.
In those moments, I remember . . . the healing comes from the listening.
Opinions expressed are solely those of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.
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Hi, Michele -
Thank you so much for publishing my guest post . . . it is an honor!
I appreciate the opportunity to share a bit of what I have learned along the way . . .
- Marie
Thank you for sharing your story. Bravo to you for having the courage to seek your own understanding of God rather than the messages being sent to you from your earthly father. It is in many ways similar to my life. I could relate to the using my body to get the attention men or even my female peers. I now have a relationship God who gently has a voice inside of me as well. The voice encourages love for Him, others and myself and that love just like you shared looks much different today then it did before He taught me. He taught me by His Word, by His people, and the 12 steps. I am grateful to pass the Good News on to others.
Hi, DeAnna -
Thank you for such a warm response!
We each have our own way of finding and following the still, small voice(s) that is/are worthy of our trust!
I appreciate your input!
- Marie
[...] invite you to hop over to her blog (Heal My PTSD, LLC) and check it [...]
Thanks Marie, I really like following your own still, small voice as a path of healing.
Hi, Evan -
I appreciate your input . . . that still small voice is so vital to healing!
- Marie
Marie, It must be difficult to present your post for all to read but it also shows that you have a tremedous amount of courage. My oldest daughter of five had a similar experience growing up. Unfortunately I did not get to live with and raise my daughter. She quite school and got married at 16. She was caught in that sweraling sespool of life for 15 years. She finally was able to turn that corner and has continued to move forward just as you are doing and don’t let anyone tell you its easy because it is not. You can succeed. My Daughter just turned 39 and she just graduated from Sam Houston University. I forwarded your post to her and I know she will understand your story. Good luck and hang in there.
Hi, Wayne -
Thank you for your encouraging words! I am glad your daughter is doing so well now . . . and, I trust that she will be able to use her earlier experiences for good.
I’m sure I will keep moving forward!
- Marie
Marie; thank you for sharing your story…I get it. I also understand about that still small voice you talk about. Throughout my journey I also found that voice and at first I didn’t trust it, was even angry at it. But in time I have learned to trust it. I’m glad that you are finding your way and your own power.
Hi, Susan -
Thank you for your words of support . . . it is always encouraging to hear from someone who really understands!
I’m glad you are learning to trust that voice!
- Marie
Great article- we do need to remember to, listin to that voice- I think at times, everyone can hear it, but may choose to ignore it, I have done that in the past..or just get frustrated- I agree with Susan, I have learned to trust that voice over time~ Thanks for sharing your story marie<3
Hi, Kyla -
Thanks for your input . . . I agree about the “ignoring” part . . . I think we have been programmed to ignore it, so learning how to listen to it is a new skill for most of us. Great point!
- Marie
You were lucky enough to have a moral compass, though. Unfortunately, many, many people do not have an internal moral compass or direction, and no amount of bullying or cajoling or admonishing will change that.
Hi, Westwood -
Great point! Yes, I seem to have a sensitive spirit . . . I can easily feel other people’s pain so I am highly motivated to be careful of their feelings.
And, I have been on the receiving end of someone’s behavior who doesn’t have that compass — it sucks!
Thank you!
- Marie
You wrote a thought-provoking article. I am having trouble with the symptoms getting a hold of me. I am a slave to the past and not on purpose. Luckily I am still in contact with my family and exercise every day or I would know I am going down hill. Some times I am so scared that I feel like I’m a goner. I still go to therapy.