Meandering Michele’s Mind: Why are we so suspicious?
Monday, March 15th, 2010 • Uncategorized •
Okay, so forget the question in the title because of course, I know why PTSD survivors are suspicious. We’ve all been tricked, abused and misused by fate, friends, family members or strangers. So really what’s meandering my mind today is how we begin to trust again.
I know for myself that after years of isolation, frustration, fear and disappointment it was and has been a process for me to unwind enough to let people in, believe in their intentions and not skip to the worst conclusions. I have had to learn to remain present in every situation. I have had to build the habit of asking myself what I know about the people involved, and reminding myself of who they are, what I know about them, what I have experienced of them before. I have had to remind myself to do research rather than run with my first thoughts.
I have learned to give myself a little reality check to decide whether or not my assumptions and conclusions are based on fact, fear or fiction. I have had to engage in and develop systems for building back my ability to believe in anyone.
So, it’s not that I don’t get the whole trust thing. I understand how our histories make us distrustful. I’m wondering though, how our own consciousness around this idea might help us evolve a little faster. I’m wondering how all of you:
- learn to trust again
- determine who you can trust
- stop the trust trigger long enough to figure out whether or not distrust should rule the day
I know you have great thoughts on this. I hope you’ll share.
(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)
Tags: Meandering Michele's Mind, ptsd
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This is a big deal for sure, Michele. On how we might begin to grasp this a bit quicker…by making it a part of the process. I’ve found that any time I am lacking confidence or struggling with something I am typically lacking enough information to make a decision or take an action. It’s that idea that we are supposed to “figure it out” on our own without adequate information that hangs me up sometimes. I see this issue in the same way. Information and education is what sparks awareness, insight and fuels the motivation – and hope – to take action and believe that I can affect change in my life.
How do I “do” trust? I’m sure this is a subject that could be expanded on – but by learning about myself I was also learning about the human condition in a way. By learning about myself I learned to listen and trust my own insight, understanding and ability to make this kind of judgement call. By learning about myself I was also able to let go of the labels that can often influence relationships of the now that might have been based on experiences of the past – and perceptions of today’s interactions ex: “jerk”, “loser”, “better than…”. Words (labels) can color the way I view and perceive others, myself and the world in general.
I also believe that the idea that healing and self discovery does not need to take a lifetime and as we each speak up and contribute to the conversation we will in time identify some commonalities that will become perhaps the “key” to not losing years to the after affects of trauma. So kudos on continuing to forge ahead with the message that we CAN heal and that it can happen often a lot sooner than what we have been led to believe.
Great article, Michelle – as I read it I had the Who singing “we won’t get fooled again” in my head. I firmly believe that whatever we seek to do with others, we (generally) must first be able to do with self. Too many of us struggle to trust ourselves – to put stock in our intuition and instincts – to trust our survival skills (often because we are still ashamed of what we went through to get them). We have these abilities whether we choose to use them or not. I say that part of healing is rigorous honesty with self and the transcendence of self doubt. My truth is that there was never enough empirical, sensory or factual information to make me choose to trust – it was always about willingness. Comfort is different than trust – becoming comfortable is far more difficult than allowing myself to know what I know and to put trust in my own judgment and my own decision making – this paves the way for us to begin to trust others again.
Jim LaPierre
I am gaining confidence and really healthy friendships which are so important to my recovery. I’ve been reading and studying about different personality types so that I can recognize better other people’s issues and diffuse their energy without it effecting me. Recognizing people with disorders has been helpful because I am now able to protect myself by finding healthy people to surround myself with.
On the other hand sometimes difficult people are an unfortunate part of my life. In work sometimes I encounter a difficult person. I am learning how to communicate with them and to not feed into their issues by remaining assertive and calm. By recognizing their issues it allows me to anticipate what they might do next.
Another difficulty has been learning how to cope with aggressive people. My ex-husband shares custody with me with the kids and he has so many issues it can be very challenging to cope with him. He is aggressive and I don’t have a choice about not communicating with him as we share children. I am just so thankful that I have been able to draw many boundaries. When I would drop off the children he would often come out of the house and abuse me by shouting obscenities or telling me what a bad person I was and even threatening my life. I told him to stop and that it was not okay for him to treat me like that. I then walked to the car and drove off. He often would not stop and pounded on the windows of my car. After reading many books on behaviors of aggressors. I recognized which type he was and came up with a solution. I now bring a friend with me and he is typical to his type, very nice with the witness there….I have continued to be assertive and I have filed for a custody evaluation and requested that he have counseling. I am hoping that he does the counseling because he will become such a better father. He has some good qualities and with counseling maybe I can learn to trust him again…but maybe not. What I can trust is that by understanding his personality I can make choices that protect myself.
Overall the information available on the internet regarding personality disorders and how to handle difficult people has been invaluable to me as it allows me to understand how difficult and untrustworthy people think. I have more sympathy for their condition and better understand how to protect myself from their issues. I am developing healthy relationships now that I am finding many good people around me. Be careful of the passive aggressor they are hard to spot at first…..
Hi Michele, it’s been a while since I commented here but I have been reading!
This one grabbed my attention because I can relate. I’m so suspicious of everybody that I really never let anyone in. I’m pretty sure I had that going on before I copped PTSD, but I also suspect that PTSD made those tendencies worse.
My ability to trust people lasts only so long as they don’t do anything suspicious. Once they have, I’m afraid that’s it! All over, no more trust. It’s something I’ve been mulling over of late because this pattern of mine where I tend to operate as a loner is very clear to me now…
Thanks for this post!
I know I have some related issues here with trust. Need a day or two to digest this information on trust.
I have such wise blogosphere friends! Your ideas — from our own consciousness to learning to trust OURSELVES (how long that took me!!) to our assertiveness to our understanding set patterns — give such a comprehensive and self-empowered view of the “learning to trust” process. It all proves to me again and again how we can CHOOSE to shift from powerLESS to powerFUL just by looking at a problem and deciding how we want to affect it. Survivors (and their supporters) are such a strong, thoughtful and creative crew. Thank you for sharing!