Meandering Michele’s Mind: To forgive, or not to forgive?
Monday, February 15th, 2010 • Uncategorized •
A while ago I saw the movie Invictus and was impressed by how Nelson Mandela exercised his right to forgive. That sort of monumental ability to emotionally release the perpetrators of such wrongdoing seems….. well, impossible! And yet, research and studies clearly show that when survivors forgive, they are the ones who experience release. Hmmm. What does this mean?
I have a client (with extreme PTSD symptoms) who recently hit upon the forgiveness stumbling block. He’s the victim of horrific child abuse and harbors (who wouldn’t?!) some very harsh anger towards his mother. We’ve talked about the idea of forgiving before, and he swore he never would. Totally understandable, we all feel that way at first. When the idea of forgiveness is initially suggested it sounds like we (the ones who have been wronged) are supposed to absolve the ones who wronged us. But that isn’t what forgiveness is about.
Forgiveness does not even come close to condoning or accepting horrific acts that have been done. Instead, it is forgiving the perpetrators of our traumas for their own faulty wiring. It is recognizing that the people who have so wronged us have something so wrong with them, and because of this they have acted monstrously. This is all forgiveness requires: recognizing that in some way our abusers are broken and forgiving them for being in that state.
As with everything about moving toward feeling better, forgiving comes in its own time and everyone reaches it at his or her own pace. My client and I did a lot more self-empowering and other work before he got to a point where he was able to forgive from a place of power. And then he did, and it’s been a real breakthrough for him. We’re moving on to some really evolutionary work because he’s freed of something that was holding him back.
The idea of forgiveness can feel so wrong, and yet — the mind and subconscious really grow when we do forgive. In my trauma training I keep learning what an important step forgiveness is in being able to move on. In my work with many clients I see how hard it is to forgive, and also: how much better everyone feels when they do. I’m thinking today that I’m beginning to get the power of forgiveness on a whole new level.
When we don’t forgive — criminals, fate, chance, whatever caused our pain – we are the ones who remain imprisoned. While we harbor our anger, while we are drained by our resentment, those who wronged us move through the world unaffected by our present pain. Who wins there? THEY DO!
So I’ve come to embrace the idea that when we forgive — no matter how difficult it is to do — we live. We take back some of our power because we release those who are siphoning it off.
What’s your take on all of this??
(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)
Tags: child abuse, forgiveness, Meandering Michele's Mind, ptsd, symptoms, trauma
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I love this. There is so much truth here. For a long time I thought I did forgive the people that hurt me. Then I realized that maybe I haven’t completely…at least not yet. I think what a lot of people don’t realize is that it’s a process. I think on a smaller level I have forgiven. I am in the process of achieving that deeper level of forgiveness and in turn freedom. I am reading The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom right now. She also speaks of forgiveness and its healing after the Holocaust. It is a very inspiring novel.
In the end hate/anger takes more energy than forgiveness. Forgiveness is a letting go and hate/anger is clinging. In the end forgiveness helps. Not a wussy kind but just letting go of the hate and the anger and the sense of violation.
But I also think forgiveness has to be a way down the track; a lot of processing and acceptance has to go on first. It’s not a cure; more a sign of progress.
But that does not mean I forget. It does not mean that a price should not be paid. “I forgive you” is not a “Get out of Jail free card” it’s a “because it helps me card”. You can I think forgive someone and also send them to jail for the crimes they committed. Forgiveness does not change consequences and does not change the law.
This was a very interesting piece as forgiveness is something I have not been able to accomplish. I cannot forgive myself and only myself. Playing a big part in my issues with PTSD. I think of how I could have done things differently and maybe my friends would not have died in Vietnam, even though I was within an arms reach. I am beginning to see that this is something to resolve. How do I go about forgiving myself, not sure yet but I can see that I have to focus.
Wayne, just remember, you are human. Under pressure we make choices, sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not. And it is okay to err. This is how we evolve and grow.
In order to heal my PTSD … I had no choice but to forgive. It took a lot of time, and analysis, as to the benefits for me.
Within me was a lot of anger, that vibrated through me in everything that I did. And it made me see that I was causing myself to suffer further by holding onto the anguish. I was abused, assaulted and a myriad of other things. I always wanted to forgive, for me, but I just couldn’t unleash the anger. So I turned to physical activity, and martial arts …
The anger plays havoc with your body in a physical sense, creating tension, and mentally it translated to angry reactions.
I did not want to deal with that anymore. So I looked into my heart and realised that the anger could not shield the fact that I had been hurt. And that it was okay to speak about it.
In turn, my whole persona has changed. I am more open, relaxed and positively focused.
Forgiveness is for you, not for your perpetrators.
I recall being at a 1980s-era New Age gathering … lots of airy bantering about unconditional love and peace and forgiveness … but no practical wisdom offered about how to *practice* these ways of being. I had to learn on my own … and I look back now to see that my own path to forgiving one person in particular — who nearly killed me when I was a child — was very much a path of osmosis … Receiving impressions of wise and kind behaviour from my mentors; reading self-help, psychology, spirituality until my eyeballs practically fell out of my head; being faced with opportunities for being kind and honest with people who had harmed me … and being too stunned and fearful to do anything but my usual: turn my back to the opening offered; belittle it; say, “It was no big deal; I’m fine. It’s done; let’s forget about it.” — all the tricks that *don’t* evoke forgiveness!
My absolving the person who nearly killed me took about 19 years to evolve from flashbacks, mortal terror, violent rage and perpetual “ordinary” fear, through a long period of separation, no contact, reams of scrawled-over paper — rants and scathing letters never sent — to a gradual, cautious re-engagement via social gatherings … and through my own maturing to an age (and lots of study, therapy, etc.) where I could imagine this person as a *whole* person … where I began to learn about this other’s history and own shades of suffering … I ended up at this person’s deathbed, feeling completely fearless, present, and serene. I am at ease being with another who is dying … and here I was, accompanying my lifelong nemesis to the edge of life, doing all I could to ease this person into transition … as into another birth.
After this death, I marveled that I was so able to be open-hearted, empty-minded (of all old torment and fear), and merciful to the person who had grievously injured me. A process came full circle through my decades-long, stuttering attempts to understand and forgive. It was my *intention* to eventually forgive that got me started … and it took 19 years to realize forgiveness’ completion. I don’t recall a moment when I actually forgave once and for all … but I knew, as I accompanied this person through life’s end, that I had done the work. I had forgiven.
Nowadays, the challenge remains to forgive myself for carrying forward what I’ve borne … tarry shame, persistent and sly self-hatred, a belief that I am useless, worthless, and should have been dead long ago. I’m moving through that organic process of absolvement now for *me* … daring to think of and treat myself with mercy; understanding and kindly tolerating some glitches in myself that may be permanent; doing the best I can with my whole self. Given that I was treated with consistent contempt from a very young age, I find that I must forgive myself for *being*.
Hard work all around, forgiveness is. But oh — the lightness within if we complete it!
Such simple wisdom and insights here! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Forgiveness is a tricky subject and certainly something we each have to come to in our own way. But when we see various ways of approaching it…. well, a simple shift of the prison —- I mean, prism! — can make the journey a little smoother.
Jaliya, that was an incredible story. So happy for you.
Hi Michele,
For me, forgiveness is not something that can be willed, rather, it is an emotional state that arises through the mending actions of the transgressor. I am helpless to forgive unless restitution is made or seriously attempted. I do think the assertion, “Instead, it is forgiving the perpetrators of our traumas for their own faulty wiring…” is dangerous and damaging, here’s why: It presupposes, of course, that the abuser is powerless in the face of some sort of biochemical imbalance or damage. Of course if that were true, (taking myself as an example), I would have been hit and struck and verbally assaulted in public, in front of a policeman, in church, or in front of my teachers. I would have been sexually abused on the front lawn in full daylight rather than at night in isolation indoors.
Of course those things never occur like that, because our abusers WANT to hurt us and they WANT to continue to hurt us. I understand that is difficult to process for many people, however logically I really don’t see any other conclusion being true. Is it likely my parents suffered horrific abuse as children? Absolutely, I am as certain of that as I am of anything. Were they destined to perpetuate the abuse against me? HELL NO. It was a series of volitional acts which could have been stopped anytime. Alice Miller’s first books came out in the 1970′s, and even earlier were books by Nathaniel Branden, M. Scott Peck, etc. all of which categorically elucidate the horrendous lifelong damage that is done to children when they are abused. This knowledge has existed for decades and is easily accessible even by my grandparents when they were alive.
Thank you very much for reading, I look forward to your thoughts if you wish to respond,
Dave
Your post is on the money. We do not owe our perps any responsibility to forgive. In the case of child abuse the acts are malicious and intentional very rarely are the lines blurred but I admmit there is occasion for that to happen. However my abuse was repetitive, intentional and without mercy! I carried shame lack of confidence and self love and I still suffer learning disabilities as a result among other issues. I’m a smart person but my whole life has been an uphill battle of trying to overcome the actions of others rather than having the priviledge of being focused and reaching my full potential in other areas that others take for granted. The insecurities and uncertainties that our HERO’S of child abuse suffer is a long battle…child abuse is not like a car accident for which you can say “ok…this was an accident” now I can begin to heal…CHILD ABUSE IS NO ACCIDENT!!!
@Dave — You bring up really valid points and truths and I’m glad to have your voice enter the discussion. I guess I would ask this follow up question: What happens to us if/when our abusers do not make restitution? Do we then accept a life of what unforgiveness makes us experience and feel?
My whole goal is to find some way to take back our power. How do we do that in the model (for lack of a better word) you describe? How do we ever reach freedom if we are bound to wait for it to be given to us by the very people who so long ago decided to take it away?
Wow, this is so tough. But so far I’m with Dave on this one. I do not forgive my abusive parents. I certainly do not expect any form of restitution from them; it’s even ridiculous to imagine. They don’t think they did anything wrong. They believe my estrangement from them shows my own lack of adulthood (at 40+ for me, mind you). They did bad things, and they did them willingly. They do not want to try to fix anything. Yes, they were both abused themselves, but the bottom line is that I am messed up and now healing by doing very hard work. But they, they never did the work. And they never will. While I admire Jaliya’s compassion to her own tormentor, I can’t imagine sitting at my own parents’ deathbed. Giving them the succor they did not give to me is currently beyond my ability, and feels cheap and wrong just to think about. Injust. We often speak of the need to see some kind of justice when healing from PTSD. They could have stopped the chain of abuse. They didn’t. I did. Whoa, I’m ranting. I see I’m back to ‘rage’ again. Sorry. But I guess I can certainly say the post and responses were very thought provoking, as always.
Blue Morpho
http://www.anxietyland.blogspot.com
Michele,
Your site continues to inspire me, as I work with wounded warriors. This post in particular has sparked another way for me to reach our combat stressed veterans, using the methods and techniques that keep them alive and successful in the dangerous arena they have fought in. For a detailed look at this problem, using your thoughts above, please go to: http://thewarriornationsitrep.blogspot.com/2010/04/detailed-mission-analysis.html
Thanks again for all you do!
As a feminist and a victim of more than ten years of child abuse, I think it’s ridiculous to ask victims to forgive perpetrators who don’t ask for any forgiveness. It’s like playing you are greater than God, because God wants repent before he can forgive.
This is moralism.
I agree with you…the burden belongs to them…most survivors have carried the burden of their perps for years. It’s time to hand it back and let them live it! In most cases, child abuse is intentional…there are some cases where the line is blurred but anyone without malice will check themselves on it and begin the process of breaking the cycle.
What was taken from me will never be replaced or retreived. the uphill struggle that I have endured is ongoing and into it’s 51st year. I have no reason to forgive my perps! They lived their lives without conscience, regard or remorse for their deeds. They went on with their lives achieving and being happy at my expense. They died comfortable and surrounded by communities of people who loved them! It was a fraud…but my life is no fake!!! I live with the scars and the memories both physical and mental. I have no doubt that I will one day lead a happy life…but! I owe my perpatrators nothing…not forgiveness not compassion…if god wishes forgiveness then let god give it! I’m human and although I may be a spiritual being…I am living a human existance. This is my reality now! Everyone says to live in the moment…I’m fully in the moment…a flesh and blood moment. and if revenge belongs to god, so does forgiveness! The only person I owe anything to…is myself and those who support my healing.
I forgot to say…Although there was a time I hated my perps, I don’t hate them, I feel nothing for them!!! They don’t deserve the effort of any feeling from me…