Meandering Michele’s Mind: Happy Birthday to Me
Monday, February 8th, 2010 • Meandering Michele's Mind •
Mom, Dad & The Birthday Chick
Saturday was my birthday. I turned 42. I bet many of you will understand when I say, I used to hate my birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate, because really, let’s be serious, who feels like celebrating anything when you’re struggling with PTSD? I didn’t want to have to be out faking it in front of so many people — or in front of people I cared about — for such a long night. Just the thought of it was exhausting.
And there was also this: my birthdays made me even more depressed than usual. For others it was a fun day to indulge themselves and be the center of attention. For me, my birthday was a reminder that yet another year had passed and something was still very wrong with me. I looked back and saw only how dark the year had been, what I had not accomplished, who I was in that deep pain. My birthday didn’t signify anything more exciting than another year in the dark. It was not a cause for celebration. The older I got the more I struggled through my birthdays with increasing amounts of anguish.
But not this birthday. Saturday night the people I most love and care about drove to Miami to go out for dinner at a top notch Brazillian restaurant. We went to the Black Eyed Peas concert and then salsa dancing outside at a club overlooking Biscayne Bay. The night was full of fun and laughter and feeling good.
And it wasn’t only the night that was that way. This whole weekend instead of looking at the year behind me I’ve been thinking about the year ahead. Of the community we’re building here, all of us, joining together to fight back against PTSD. I’ve been thinking about how we can build something bigger and stronger. I’ve been thinking about how much power we all receive from communicating, connecting and sharing together. I’ve been thinking about healing and thanking myself for never giving up. I want to thank you all, too, for taking this journey with me, and for allowing me to share yours.
What’s on my mind today is how we can all fight back in this one simple way: turning our eyes in a different direction. Reflexively, life has taught us — or fooled us into thinking — in order to be safe we must look back. The more we heal, though, the more we know that is wrong. Living and being free means looking forward.
Since I’ve overcome PTSD each birthday leaves me with an immense feeling of gratitude. That I made it out. That my will to be free was somehow kept alive. That I survived the work that had to be done in order to conquer the past and create the future.
Every one of us has the potential to heal. Every one of us has the will to be free. Meandering my mind today is the idea we must always believe in that potential. We must use the energy of that idea to propel us forward. We’ve got to break the habits of the past and instill new ones for the future.
This year, buck the PTSD trend: Think forward. Plan ahead. Risk hope. Imagine freedom.
The more you want to be free — the more you feel that desire, the more you see it, hear it, smell it, and even taste its results – the sooner you will get there. I believe in all of us. I do so deeply believe.
Tags: ptsd
Happy Belated Birthday to you. I so much can relate when it comes to birthdays and yet another year gone and still something wrong…. however it seems that you have advanced much and I am really happy for you. Everyone4 has a different path and different speed. I am looking forward to my next birthday and hope I will enjoy it too. Hugs
@Paula - Thanks for the birthday wishes! You’re so right, we all have different speeds. I’m sure there are people who wished I had moved faster but it’s hard to even choose the speed at which we progress. I think all we can do is make sure we’re doing our best to be on the track and then let the speed determine itself.
Happy birthday Michele! Sounds like a wonderful evening.
I completely get what you’re saying. I too, hated my birthdays and my most recent one in December was the first I’ve enjoyed in a good long while. I took myself off for some pampering and had a weekend full of yoga. It was brilliant, and very different to just marking time in misery which had been my lot for several years.
Btw, I wanted to let you know about this article in my local Sunday paper on a soldier with PTSD: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/war-zone-trauma-hits-police/story-e6frf7kx-1111116451042
It was spectacularly missing information about healing PTSD which I was rather shocked by. So of course, I wrote them a letter to offer my heartfelt wishes for the soldier in question, but also to let them know that PTSD affects not just soldiers and that there is a way out, there are possibilities for healing. Fingers crossed they print the letter!
@Svasti — Sounds like you had a great birthday, too! Proving that we can make progress. Love it!
Let me know how the response is from the newspaper. Great that you wrote a letter. I hope they support it. Send me the link when/if it’s published. Or, let’s all start a campaign to get it published.
Happy birthday Michele,, 42, your still a youngster. I remember when I turned 42, that was the year my son was born and he has been a blessing to me all these years. I know you will be blessed in all your comming years as well.
@Wayne — You know what? I LOVE MY 40s!!! So far it’s been the best decade. In my 20s I didn’t know what I was doing. In my 30s I tried to figure out what I was doing. And in my 40s now I know! Whew, it’s all so much easier now. Thanks for the birthday wishes. It was a great weekend.
Happy B Day Michele! My forties are quite a bit better than my thirties too. Perhaps our fifties will be even better? Blessings for the year ahead.
Happy Birthday! In the very short time I have been here, in this space, I have been blessed by your presence in this life. Your birth and life are so brilliant, such an inspiration.
I am so happy very happy for you and I join with you in celebrating your strength, your courage, your resiliency, your triumph.
What you’ve posted reminds me of a story of a guy climbing a mountain…
Each day this gentleman exhibits extraordinary strength and perseverance as he scales the face of what seems an insurmountable mountain. As he inches toward the pinnacle, he keeps his eyes forward and up, knowing he will reach the top if only he continues on. One day, as he climbs, he loses his footing and his grip, causing him to slip & simultaneously look down at the mountain beneath him. He re-gains his footing on the mountain and is in awe of the sheer vertical wall BENEATH him. He had not realized exactly how far he had come until that slip had caused him to look back. Suddenly, the peak appeared to be closer than ever before. The mountain did not change, but his new view gave him all that he needed to finally reach his destination.
Belated birthday to you Michele,
I know I’ve already explained to you about why I, like you, hate/d my birthday for the same reasons you have described but also coupled with some more, but I’ll share on here as well so the others can see/understand/think about/or comment on as well
I was seventeen when I was first sent to the Gulf war and had my eighteenth on the battlefield when most of my old school friends would have been having massive parties at home celebrating the fact they now “Had the key to the door” … for me I didn’t even remember it was my birthday because I was wrapped up in dodging bullets and bombs exploding around me, I also had Christmas on the battlefield
Ever since then I have had my birthday and Christmas away on Tour of Duty somewhere around the globe … until last year. That was the first time I have spent Christmas or my birthday with my family and I turned 38, I still didn’t feel very comfortable with it and of the 11 days off work I had I was only able to do 4 of them with the family and then I went bush for the rest. I know that I’ll be better this year because I truly believe this is MY year.
Glad you had a better one Michele, and other people, and I wish you many more to come. Love the dog you have btw, mines a big mean German Shepherd and my best friend.
Hi there Michele…long time, I know. Well, happy belated birthday!! My Michelle..our youngest daughter’s birthday is the day before yours. Guess I have no excuse not to remember next year.
Don’t look at my blog…I haven’t blogged anything in way too long. I promise to write something soon.
Glad to see you hard at work as usual. Where do you get your energy. Send some my way.
Your Friend,
John
@ John — Great to hear from you, as always! I have noticed you’re not blogging… Hope everything’s going well with you. Energy comin’ atcha: Right NOW!
@ Ellen — Our 50s will ROCK!
@ Kris — Love the story, thanks for sharing it.
@ Lloyd — I hope each year gets more and more comfortable. Still surprised each year myself. I think healing, like anything else, is a learning process.