Meandering Michele’s Mind: My PTSD gremlin

The whole time I was working to heal my PTSD a small gremlin sat on my shoulder. Today, I call him Sam. Back then I just called him obnoxious and tried very hard to tune out his voice. Day and night he said, shouted, whispered, wheedled and jeered, “You can’t do it.”

On days I felt strong I had the guts to respond, “Yes, I can!” On days I was strong I could drown out Sam’s voice with my own and show myself actions that proved I had the strength, focus and power to overcome post-traumatic stress.

On days I felt weak though, there was Sam, pouring into my ear a really, really bad feeling that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t have the ability to recover.

Eventually I would get so bogged down by Sam’s negative thought I would shut down. I would succumb. I would believe I couldn’t get the job done. I would stop trying.

Weeks would go by. Without my actively trying to heal, Sam would get quiet. In the silence I could hear my own inner voice again urging me to get back to work. And so I would and then, of course, Sam would get busy and the cycle would repeat.

How are we supposed to do the necessary work if some internal part of us is diligently trying to sabotage our progress? How do we ignore the doubt and forge ahead?

Eventually, I dropped all attempts at healing and began an entirely different pursuit: I launched a search for joy. In order to get out of my deep depression I sought the opposite state. This switch of focus confused Sam. He got quiet. While I learned to dance and spent my nights in ballrooms and dance studios and latin clubs Sam got bored and slunk away.

An exciting thing happened: I tapped into my joy and became emboldened with a new power. I became more courageous and comfortable with my (new) self. When I again turned my focus on healing it was with a wholly new attitude and: Sam was gone. In his place was a great joy that fed my healing desire every day. Now, I had a new feeling of strength that made me believe, “I can do it!” I went back to my healing quest, dove in and finally came out the other side.

What’s bouncing around my mind today is how often we give in to that bratty gremlin voice — and how wrong it is.

I’m thinking about how proactive we have to be in getting into the right head space for healing. Which means silencing the gremlin so we can get the job done.

I know what I did… How do you silence the gremlin on your shoulder?

(Photo acknowledgement.)

Tags: Meandering Michele's Mind, post-traumatic stress, ptsd