Meandering Michele’s Mind: Have You Congratulated Yourself Today?
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 • Uncategorized •
We can’t help it — at the end of the year it’s a cultural rule that you must look back and assess. Well, OK, it may not be a rule per se, but with the year coming to an end we all do look back and see how it went. This can be a scary thing for someone struggling with PTSD.
First of all, we can’t always remember the whole year. We don’t live in the present so what’s happened short term isn’t quite as fresh as long-term trauma-related info.
Second of all, we lose a lot of time managing symptoms, so there’s not always a lot of energy, focus or commitment for anything else.
Third of all, we don’t look toward the future and see anything, so we often don’t work toward something that we can congratulate ourselves on accomplishing. And even if we do, the accomplishment doesn’t seem like much when you put it up against PTSD, which always looms larger than any achievement.
So, where does this leave us at the end of this year? Time for a new Auld Lang Syne strategy: time to look at PTSD specifically and see how far you’ve come.
Now, before you get distracted by the fact that it doesn’t seem like you’ve come that far, take a real look at this past year. For example, something motivated you to find this site. What was it? Were you seeking education? That’s progress. Were you seeking healing? That’s progress. Were you seeking community? That’s progress, too.
What have you done this year to find relief? Every little thing counts as an accomplishment. There are others who just never got out of bed. YOU took an action. That takes courage. So, you very definitely accomplished something this year.
In PTSD we’re always looking for the quick fix, the big BANG!, the simple cure. The truth is, healing doesn’t happen in those extraordinary ways. It happens over a course of days or weeks or months. It happens in the individual choices you make in every moment of every day. It happens in the cumulative effort you put in.
As this year comes to a close I’m thinking about all the years I struggled and raged and cried that I wasn’t healing and that another year had come and gone. I’m wishing I had been able to tell that struggling self that each year I engaged in battle for my freedom something was being accomplished. Each day and moment I spent seeking relief was an achievement.
I never thought to look at things that way. To me, the struggle was all I saw, not the positive steps I was taking. To me, the end result (or lack thereof) was all I noticed, not the continued effort I put in.
What do you do? Do you appreciate yourself for everything you do to heal?
(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)
Tags: healing, Meandering Michele's Mind, ptsd, trauma
What did I do this year to help heal? I was one of those people who couldn’t get out of bed. I seriously thought, “why would anyone want to get out of bed?” But I did and I began seizing opportunities when I had just the smallest bit of desire. I am learning to snatch those moments of desire inside myself and use them for my healing. Long term commitments are meditating, yoga, and walking. My snatching moments can be a planting something that I enjoy, quilting, soaking in the hot tub, baking, writing a letter, and just plain gratitude for what I do have in the moment.
Well, I started therapy (once again), I found a trauma support group, and back in the beginning of the year I started reading this blog and other anxiety related blogs. Plus I started blogging myself, and made some bloggy friends. I may be broke and often unhappy, but I have taken steps that are helping and hopefully will continue to help me.
Today I’ve formally and nicely turned down a reunion with people I’ve not seen in almost 20 years. It’s not what they want but it’s what I want. Part of me thinks it’s a nice idea but the bigger part of me thinks that it’s a bad idea and that I don’t want to go down the route of comparing lives.
Today I give myself the right to be the person who I am not who people want me to be.
Today where possible I choose the life that I want to live. Where choice isn’t or doesn’t seem to be possible I live with it.
I appreciate my ability to be strong and I appreciate that sometimes that strength doesn’t seem to be enough.
@Everyone – What I see in all of your responses: People who are taking back their power. Survivors who are not letting the trauma win. Thank you for sharing your voices, thoughts and experiences. You are proof that we CAN change our minds and make our lives improve. You are proof that we can make long-term commitments to our healing; we can reach out and find support; we can progress even though there are times it doesn’t seem we have the strength to. You are proof healing does take place.