Meandering Michele’s Mind: Can’t Healing Happen Any Faster??
Thursday, December 24th, 2009 • Uncategorized •
In my PTSD healing I was so incredibly furious at the pace. My progress seemed to slug through the days and months and weeks and years at the rate of a snail. I was sick of it, sick of myself, sick of trying, sick of failing and sick of the whole damn process. (Really great attitude, don’t you think? Really helped me move forward faster.)
It didn’t help that half the time I just simply couldn’t get anything done. I was burnt out. I was exhausted. I was emotionally drained. I was … well, what wasn’t I??
And all along I felt so alone in the process. Such a freak that I was working so hard and didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. Was everyone else healing but me?
So now here I am in touch with lots of survivors, in all kinds of groups and learning all kinds of things about healing and I come to find that all along, I wasn’t so out of the norm after all! All along I was in very good company with all the other survivors working hard and sometimes just treading water because, in fact, stalling is completely normal.
I like this quote from Kerro’s Corner; it seems to sum up a frequent PTSD (thought) process:
Michele over at Heal My PTSD runs a program to, you know, do stuff like heal PTSD. I could follow the instructions for the program, but that sounds too sensible. Better to do what I always do when I have new electronic equipment or some IKEA furniture: get all the pieces out of the cartons and arrange them all over the floor; pull out the instruction booklet; open it. Then go make a cup of tea and have a cigarette.
I totally get that feeling. Sometimes I exhausted myself just thinking about what needed to be done to be free. Sometimes, I just flat out told myself not to even try, or decided to take a break before I’d even begun because the process seemed overwhelming and impossible. Those were the days I crumpled up and had a good, don’t-come-anywhere-near-me-I’m-inconsolable cry because healing seemed like it needed to be fueled by a nuclear reactor and I only had a measly Triple AAA battery.
And then a few days later I discovered what we all do: the alternative to healing is not healing and that idea — of being stuck in PTSD forever – is just oh, so much worse, than the alternative that we get up and try again. Or, as Kerro puts it, we get to a moment when “… things tell me there is life without PTSD, even if I’m still not quite sure what replaces it.”
And so we pull ourselves up. We carry on. We find the strength to try again. We connect with each other. We read something new. We try a new treatment or healing modality. We’re all here because we do believe in the possibility of freedom.
As the year draws to a close what I’m thinking is that I wish we could all keep that thought in mind — that there is life without PTSD — and use it (and the feelings it inspires) to move each of us toward discovering the replacement, and what lies beyond.
Growing up whenever my brother and I couldn’t find solutions or the answers we sought, my mother always counseled us, “Live the questions.”
That seems like a good mantra for PTSD healing. The more we live the questions of healing the more the answers will be found.
(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)
Tags: ptsd, Staying on the Healing Path
I have a psychiatrist friend who through the VA treated me for nine years. His theory was that in the face of death or danger every day for a period causes a permanent physiological change in our defense mechanism. I have learned to avoid places and things that trigger my Anxiety and depression. I am amazed at the number of people who say they suffer from PTSD who really don’t and don’t have a clue. I was in therapy for 20 years and I still struggle every single day to live and keep wanting to live. Unfortunately I have to take daily meds to live a somewhat normal life. Today is Chistmas Eve and I wake up to a broken water heater. I just wanted to leave and not come back. I have a family so I go out into the barn and sceem. Come back in and try to live out the day. I have given up on a cure because there is no cure only finding an ability to use techniques I have learned over the years. Not to be disrespectful but Are you really a PTSD sufferer?
@ Wayne — No disrespect taken, and to answer your question: I WAS a PTSD sufferer — for over 25 years. So, I do know where you’re coming from. I also deeply believe we each have the potential to heal.
I had an interesting conversation with a neuroscientist about the possibility of reversing the brain changes. You can read his response here: http://healmyptsd.com/2009/06/healing-ptsd-why-we-don%e2%80%99t-want-to-seek-help-and-the-1-reason-we-really-really-should-part-2.html
Hi Michele,
You must have been that fly on the wall in my therapy session yesterday. I’ve been in therapy almost five years now. I asked my therapist for an “honest” answer to my questions, “How much longer?” and “Is where I’m at today IT?” “Am I just struggling like others (without ptsd) and only think I live with a higher level of anxiety?” I figured he would know being that he sees depressed and anxious people day in and day out. My therapist reminded me of the contributing factors in my life that have indeed challenged my journey. Yes, I thought, there really have been tremendous obstacles in my life. And yes, I am working hard and have been successful overcoming my phobias. Yes, Christmas is a challenge for most people no matter what their history.
Then we moved on to gratitude, you know, that attitude. And it helped me in the moment which we know as ptsd-ers that how we face the moment is the exact remedy to getting through the situation.
So to arrive and to be all well – it’s out there, somewhere. Today I will be grateful for how far I’ve come and to know that I do have more resources inside myself yet to exercised.
@ Erin — I’m also the fly in your inbox! Was just thinking about you this morning.
Thank you so much for sharing the wonderful details of your session, thoughts and process. I love your attitude of gratitude, and also, your unwavering belief in yourself and your future. That vision, I think, is the source for our strength.
Hi Michele
Thanks so much – firstly for the pingback, and perhaps more importantly for the reminder that we must keep putting one step in front of the other. I’m having a hard time at the moment, and found your post when I needed it most. Thank you!
Kerro
@ Kerro — Funny how we all think and feel and experience the same thing, isn’t it? That’s been the most amazing discovery to me, that we all feel so seperate when really we’re all part of an enormous group that gets each other so completely. I hope 2010 becomes the year of your freedom. Let me know how/if I can help.