Meandering Michele’s Mind: Can’t Healing Happen Any Faster??
Thursday, December 24th, 2009 • Uncategorized •
In my PTSD healing I was so incredibly furious at the pace. My progress seemed to slug through the days and months and weeks and years at the rate of a snail. I was sick of it, sick of myself, sick of trying, sick of failing and sick of the whole damn process. (Really great attitude, don’t you think? Really helped me move forward faster.)
It didn’t help that half the time I just simply couldn’t get anything done. I was burnt out. I was exhausted. I was emotionally drained. I was … well, what wasn’t I??
And all along I felt so alone in the process. Such a freak that I was working so hard and didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. Was everyone else healing but me?
So now here I am in touch with lots of survivors, in all kinds of groups and learning all kinds of things about healing and I come to find that all along, I wasn’t so out of the norm after all! All along I was in very good company with all the other survivors working hard and sometimes just treading water because, in fact, stalling is completely normal.
I like this quote from Kerro’s Corner; it seems to sum up a frequent PTSD (thought) process:
Michele over at Heal My PTSD runs a program to, you know, do stuff like heal PTSD. I could follow the instructions for the program, but that sounds too sensible. Better to do what I always do when I have new electronic equipment or some IKEA furniture: get all the pieces out of the cartons and arrange them all over the floor; pull out the instruction booklet; open it. Then go make a cup of tea and have a cigarette.
I totally get that feeling. Sometimes I exhausted myself just thinking about what needed to be done to be free. Sometimes, I just flat out told myself not to even try, or decided to take a break before I’d even begun because the process seemed overwhelming and impossible. Those were the days I crumpled up and had a good, don’t-come-anywhere-near-me-I’m-inconsolable cry because healing seemed like it needed to be fueled by a nuclear reactor and I only had a measly Triple AAA battery.
And then a few days later I discovered what we all do: the alternative to healing is not healing and that idea — of being stuck in PTSD forever – is just oh, so much worse, than the alternative that we get up and try again. Or, as Kerro puts it, we get to a moment when “… things tell me there is life without PTSD, even if I’m still not quite sure what replaces it.”
And so we pull ourselves up. We carry on. We find the strength to try again. We connect with each other. We read something new. We try a new treatment or healing modality. We’re all here because we do believe in the possibility of freedom.
As the year draws to a close what I’m thinking is that I wish we could all keep that thought in mind — that there is life without PTSD — and use it (and the feelings it inspires) to move each of us toward discovering the replacement, and what lies beyond.
Growing up whenever my brother and I couldn’t find solutions or the answers we sought, my mother always counseled us, “Live the questions.”
That seems like a good mantra for PTSD healing. The more we live the questions of healing the more the answers will be found.
(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)