PTSD Survivors Speak: Healing Step by Step, Part One

I really admire Debbie of the Buffalopine’s Blog. She’s healed from MPD/DID and is now working on healing her PTSD. Whew, that’s a survivor with energy, intention and commitment!

Recenly she wrote a really terrific post about the evolution of healing. I’m excited she’s letting me repost it as part of the ‘Survivors Speak’ series so we can all share it together.

Weathered

Last week, I went through the beginning stages of admitting that the abuse happened to me. I experienced the body memories, relived old flashbacks-like revisiting old neighborhoods. I had newly uncovered flashbacks surface. And all these things flowed together in me, with the emotions for the first time in my life. In three days, it’ll be one year since I’ve been healed of MPD. I never thought it would be possible to come this far in healing. I still can’t see what lies around the bend in the road, but I’m heading there anyway.

Looking back on how I was eighteen years ago, when I first started into therapy, and was diagnosed with MPD and PTSD, I never thought I’d experience any of this healing. I didn’t even know it was possible. Eighteen years ago, I lived totally in make believe. I was so messed up, that I couldn’t distinguish between what was real and what wasn’t real. But slowly, step by step, just ounces of healing at a time, began to unfold. Just little things like someone telling me I deserved to be treated better, worked towards my healing. Nobody had ever told me that before. But slowly everything began to seep into the crevices of my wounds to heal them. One time when I was in the ER with pneumonia, and no one would come near me for two hours, because it was in my chart that I had MPD, one nurse finally came to me. She stood there talking to me, rubbing my back. That was healing. Smiles, random acts of kindness, every little thing helped lead me towards more healing, just as it still does now.

The integration of my personalities began when I knew that a couple people in my family would no longer talk to me. It felt safe to heal then. And healing began to flow like a river. More kindness contributed to it, too. Someone told me how courageous I was to be going through the integrations. At the time she said that. I was having flashbacks and crying. The last thing I felt like was courageous. But her words left an impression on my heart, like a footprint left behind in the sand. Every kind word, every gentle touch, I cherished, because they were so rare. But each one left it’s footprint and strengthened me enough to heal.

Gradually, ever so slowly, I began to get a small window into seeing myself differently. Even in total weakness, I began to feel slightly stronger. I used to say I was fragile as a snowflake, but slowly, I strengthened. I began to listen to the kind words people said to me, instead of to cruel words that had been branded in my mind. Each kind word, each gentle touch, began to be like a rock thrown into the water- rippling out from there. Each time, rippling further, lasting longer. I was like a tree beginning to grow roots, getting planted more firmly every day.God was slowly, gently healing me.

In a recent blog, I wrote, “Broken and bruised, scarred and torn, I am healing now. I am learning to walk away from who I have always been. I am learning to walk towards the person I want to become; the person I would’ve been, had I never been abused. All my life, the image of that person was always just a mirage before me in a desert. Now, I can touch that person, and know they are becoming real. I have turned a corner on this journey, now. And I know I must continue to walk towards the person I want to become. I must walk,slowly, into the person I was meant to be, no matter the pain or discomfort that getting there brings. I must shed who I have always been, and soar with wings which were always hidden by scars. I lift my hands to receive more healing. I lift my hands to receive the whole me.”

This week, has been so drastically different from last week. This week, I decided to just be still and wait upon God. This week, in this stillness, healing has been pouring over me. I have felt a calmness and peacefulness that I have never felt before. I feel like a sponge trying to absorb it all.

Click here for ‘Healing Step by Step, Part Two’.

(Photo: pictureinfocus)

Tags: abuse, body memories, Buffalopine's Blog, DID, emotions, family, flashbacks, healing, MPD, ptsd, therapy