PTSD Survivors Speak: Healing Step By Step, Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I posted Part 1 of a terrific piece about healing by Debbie, of Buffalopine’s Blog. Today, the inspiration continues….

Last week, the intensity was overwhelming. This week, the calmness has engulfed me, and I am determined to hold onto it. I have seen that I don’t have to be terrified all the time; that I don’t have to be lost in sorrow anymore. There is healing, and it is possible for everyone. So now, when the flashbacks, the fear, the pain try to pull me into their grip, I think of this calmness, this peace, and I am able to climb back out into the stillness and peace again. It’s my new homestead, that I am trying to lay claim to, now. Different times throughout the day, I have to fight to keep this homestead, but I am trying to hold my ground, and not be moved. It is my right to feel peace. It is my right to feel safe. Many people just go through these things every day, and take it for granted. But for abuse survivors, those things can be unknown. After tasting the sweetness of gentle peace, I am not giving it up. In this new healing, I am gaining strength and healing even more.

The flashbacks still come. Slowly, they are all intersecting with my memories and my feelings. Today, I am starting to realize when flashbacks happen, that the abuse isn’t happening right now. It makes the fear lessen, and I hold onto the calmness. I’m slowly, trying to learn to not be swallowed up by the flashbacks. I’m trying to stop them as soon as they start, and trying to figure out what triggered them. And then I climb back into the safe arms of peace, again. And now, I am learning to comfort myself any time;even after the flashbacks. I had never learned to comfort myself. The personalities could comfort each other, but could never comfort themselves.It always came from the personalities and the make believe worlds. Now, it’s coming from me. Comforting myself just started yesterday. I have to stop different times throughout the day trying to realize I am actually able to do that now. I’m so new to this, that I’m keeping track. I’ve comforted myself eight times, now. Occasionally I still need small journeys back to the make believe to feel safe, but I expect it to lessen in time. I never could’ve imagined being where I am at today in my healing. And I don’t know how it will look when the healing is complete, but I do know now, that it is possible, and that I’m heading there. It’s already better than I ever imagined.

The fear of healing was overwhelming, when I had MPD. I was terrified of everything and everyone. A year ago, after the integrations, it was very difficult. But, now that I can feel peace; now that I am feeling somewhat safer; now that I can comfort myself, healing feels so good. I still miss the personalities and the make believe worlds, but I am beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, as just one person, as just me.

Years ago, when the integrations began, I knew that someday, I’d be sharing my story with others. I have always been an extremely quiet, shy person- horribly uncomfortable around people. I kept saying there was no way I was going to share my story. In April, when I gave my testimony for the second time at Celebrate Recovery, I stood in front of everyone and said, “I struggle with past abuse issues and public speaking.” People laughed, but I was totally serious. And God keeps leading me to share my story with others.I just keep walking further into who I am to become, like a butterfly.If I am to share my story with others, then I will, no matter the discomfort. I will continue until I become comfortable with it, or accept that I won’t be comfortable, but that it needs to be done anyhow.If it means that I am to fight every day to remain in the heart of peace, I will do that. Whatever I feel I need to do now, I will do. I am ready.

Now, instead of just trying to survive each day, I have begun the journey of learning to enjoy the days. Just the thought that I deserve to enjoy anything, is still beyond me, but I am trying to accept that. I’m learning to accept that I deserve to heal. I am learning to see myself, as not just an abuse victim, or as an abuse survivor. I am beginning to learn to thrive. And the kindness of others helps with that, as it helps in my healing. The prayers of others helps in my healing, too. I have a Healer that knows just how to heal- like painting a sunrise across the sky, He is painting my healing.

I drink the peacefulness and the comfort in. I have thirsted for it my whole life. It’s sweetness is compared to nothing. It has been a long journey to get to this river of healing. The years of abuse;the years of healing have weathered me. Years of rain, snow and storms- weathers wood; changes it. The beauty of the wood is brought to the surface in a bold reminder of what it has endured. It speaks of grace, endurance and strength. The years speak across it’s surface. More healing will come, in gentle breezes and triumphant storms. The story is told just by looking at the weathered wood. I am weathered and worn, but standing stronger than ever before. Standing stronger than ever before.

PTSD Survivors Speak is a weekly feature. If you would like to contribute please Contact Michele.

(Photo acknowledgement on Flickr.)

Tags: abuse, Buffalopine's Blog, flashbacks, healing, integration, personalities, survivor, triggered