Meandering Michele’s Mind: Can We Plan for PTSD Healing?
Thursday, October 29th, 2009 • Uncategorized •
Yesterday was one of those days that continues to inspire, excite and surprise me. The reason: I’m working with some really terrific veterans as well as civilians recovering from PTSD. Over and over again I am astounded at how universal the PTSD experience is.
Case in point: Recently one of the vets turned an incredible corner and definitively crossed over to the healing side of the PTSD equation. Yesterday, we had a long conversation about how strange it feels to be calm, happy and at peace. These are not adjectives he’s used to applying to himself. He’s not entirely comfortable with this new state of being. He feels, in a word, ‘lost’.
I remember that experience so well myself. When I finally shed my PTSD symptoms and persona I walked around on eggshells. I couldn’t believe the new me was possible. I didn’t believe this relief would last. I expected it to go away at any minute. I waited for it to abandon me. I actually began to feel anxious because feeling free was freaking me out.
In order to ground myself I gave myself space to navigate this new territory. I let myself move slowly. I concentrated on the present moment: experiencing it, evaluating it, appreciating it. I didn’t rush myself through the process of getting to know my new self. Instead, I approached the whole thing the way my mother has taught me to approach all of life: “Live the questions” she always said, quoting Rilke.
And so I lived the questions and tried not to worry about the fact I didn’t have the answers, which isn’t exactly comfortable when suddenly your whole world has changed but I couldn’t figure out what else to do.
I’m wondering today if it’s possible to plan ahead in healing post-traumatic stress. Can we prepare for those days when we realize how far we’ve come, how much better we are, and all the possibilities this freedom opens up for us? Is there any single thing we can do to make the transition a little more …. planned out?
I never thought ahead in my quest to recover PTSD. Are you? Did you? Do you?
How can we set ourselves up for the strange new space of recovery??
(Photo: K)
Tags: healing, Meandering Michele's Mind, post-traumatic stress, ptsd, recovery, symptoms, veterans
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I think when we look at it from the other side, planning on it sounds feasible and possible. But do you remember when you were on the beginning side? How do you plan for emotions and experiences when you have no idea what they will feel like, how they will affect you or what they will mean? Some things you can be TOLD about, but you don’t really KNOW what it means or how it feels until you go through it yourself. We can plan on things being different, plan on making our way through and plan on getting to the other side…but the emotions, the feelings and the effects are something (in my opinion) you can’t plan for.
@CJ – You’re so right — we are unable to anticipate how things will FEEL, and maybe that’s exactly why it isn’t possible to plan for healing. A whole new journey begins for which no one has the map. I guess the thing to do is plan to enjoy whatever new feelings come with healing, and to enjoy the process of learning who that new self is. And, we can plan on accepting there is no plan! Plus allowing ourselves to see that as an adventure instead of something worrisome. Wish I had thought of that when I was going through it!
That’s the thing though, until we go through it, we can’t plan for it! But I agree, the best thing to do is to be OPEN and ACCEPTING of the new feelings and PREPARE for the positive emotions that will come. And accepting there IS no plan is a big thing! It is different for us all and no two stories or experiences are the same. But we can look forward to our own happiness, and plan on enjoying it!
You have an amazing site and I am so glad you lead me here! Thank you so much. I didn’t realize there was a resource like this when I was going through my own healing (which I still am.)
You are an amazing person, I can only imagine how many lives you have helped get a step closer to their own happinesse!
I’ve been wondering about this today. I don’t think it is possible for us to plan because we cannot focus into an unknown future.
PTSD recovery is always going to be closer to pioneering than anything else. You’ve no idea what the territory is going to look like so all you can do is make sure you carry some useful tools and skills.
The fundamental flaw between the idea of planning is it assumes that there is an “I” that goes forward and interacts and we try and project the behaviour of that “I” into the future. In this case we are making a conscious decision to redefine and rebuild this “I” into something else. How on earth can we project what this new “I” can do if we are not it.
It’s easy to look back and think “maybe I could have planned it” but the “I” that looks back is not the “I” that existed back then. That’s the fundamental point.
We are pioneers not managers. Different skills and approaches are required. I could not have predicted where I am today and I doubt you could have done so either!!!
Yeah, I don’t think planning is quite right. But having someone(s) around who know the territory helps a lot. Someone who you trust and who you can talk to about what’s going on.
I remember earlier this year when I was finishing up my EMDR sessions after having an incredible turn around.
Before those sessions, there’s so much I couldn’t talk or think about without dissolving into tears and/or a panic attack. One of my worst triggers – the eyes of the man who assaulted me just after he hit me for the first time – was impossible to cope with.
After, I couldn’t believe it was real that so much of that was gone. I no longer have his eyes burned into the backs of my eyeballs, but even so I can think about them, I can recall what happened and I don’t fall apart.
I actually asked my therapist how long this would “last”. Like, was this an effect that would wear off over time? Even though she assured it wasn’t an effect, and that if anything else ever comes up I just needed to see her again for a little more work… I didn’t believe it.
So no, I couldn’t plan for how I felt to be free of flashbacks, terrifying visuals and feeling crappy pretty much all day, every day. Because until it happened I couldn’t imagine it. And once it did, I felt like I was exploring a new country.
And I guess I adopted an attitude of “wait and see”. I’m still waiting to see if it lasts, if I’m 100% free of flashabcks. I know I’m not free of panic attacks yet, and that’s something I might get some more EMDR for. Or I might just find over time, they stop occuring. I don’t know.
Time is the great test now, as far as I can tell. But its all working out great so far!
Michele,
You know how I love a plan. In a good plan there are specific goals layed out. It should be a clear picture in your mind of what the definition of success is. Then set out for it, and although you deviate off course sometimes, you should still be able to see when that picture is your reality. That is how I gauge my healing process. If we don’t gauge the process how will we know what better is? Its a matter of “Where are you at? and Where are you going?” Without that direction how could you possible find your way?
Jason
@Everyone — Great responses! What I’m hearing as the collective voice is that we can’t plan for how we will feel WHEN we are healed, but we can plan HOW to progress the process of feeling better.
OK, I can accept that.
In my own process I always felt so lost and zigzagging and not knowing which direction to go. And then when I achieved peace I was …. shocked and surprised! Which led to a new feeling of disorientation for a little while. Perhaps that’s the way it should be as we learn to navigate the territory of a new self, new life and new future. Which makes us pioneers…
(BTW @ Svasti – I experienced the same thing re: asking my hypnotherapist how long the good feeling would last! She replied it would not change. I was skeptical but she was right!)