PTSD Survivors Speak: How I Found the Right Therapist

When we raise awareness for others about Invisible Illness we’re bringing into our community people who need to understand how and why we do what we do. That’s great, but: We also need, ourselves, to understand how and why we do what we do in the PTSD fog! It wouldn’t be right to talk about Invisible Illness Awareness Week without talking about how to heal.

I’ve written before about how important it is to choose the right therapist. It’s tough to find that person with whom we feel secure enough to go into the PTSD dark as we try to find the light. Maryan Pelland knows about needing therapy — the mother of two vets with PTSD Maryan shares with us why and how she decided to seek a therapist for herself. For everyone on the brink of choosing who will help you on your journey, Maryan’s ideas just might help you on your way.

Need help For Your PTSD children? Find Yourself Help First.

Setting the Scene:

When a family has two people suffering from PTSD, you can bet challenges lurk in the wings. I have three kids – all grown now, and all doing pretty well. Five years ago, two went military – my daughter, Navy. My middle son, Army.

This was hard to understand. I was a card-carrying, flower-planting hippy child of the seventies. Peace was my middle name, establishment a foreign concept and doves were my mascots. How did my kids become so hawkish? No clue, but they are dedicated to their country.

My daughter, an outstanding Navy airman with a jacket full of commendations wanted to serve since she was in the fifth grade. Six months after she deployed, she was sexually assaulted by a little tin supervisor and three months later, probably because she agreed not to make a case of it, it happened again. She made a huge case that time and got the perpetrator convicted. He got seven years in Leavenworth. She earned a PTSD diagnosis and an end to her coveted career.

My Army son was told by his recruiter to conceal his clinical depression. He deployed, went through some serious close calls and came home from Iraq, PTSD. After he separated, he married, had two children and tried to make a life. Later, couldn’t hold a job, lost his home, and struggled with self-medication.

My kids are out on their own, but many of my nights were sleepless. I know my job is to be supportive, to listen, and to comfort. I can’t solve the problems. I can’t interfere, and the authorities, those who now can make or break my family’s emotional and mental health, don’t want input from parents. So I look for new programs. I talk to experts. I read a lot. And pass information to my kids – gently, without expectations. They must find their ways.

Getting Help:

I decided to get counseling for myself, maybe. I asked friends for referrals. My first appointment with each of three therapists was, to my mind, an audition – for them.

As we talked, I monitored my reactions.

· Did I feel comfortable, relaxed?
· Did I feel I was being heard?
· Was what I had to say as important as what he contributed? A therapist is a mentor who points the way around obstacles. He shouldn’t navigate for me – or lead me down his path.
· Was the therapist experienced enough to get what was on my mind? I’m uncomfortable working through complicated issues with someone who has had few life experiences.
· Is the therapist up-to-date on PTSD? New theories, new medication protocols, and new therapy modalities are working. They’re important and effective. I needed someone who knew the ropes. One therapist I saw had PTSD experience and education. One worked extensively with military families.
· Did our personalities mesh? How stressful to wrangle about personalities before getting to real issues.
· Was the therapist’s schedule flexible enough to suit mine?

I knew one candidate wasn’t a match. He saw PTSD as an option a patient can be talked out of. Another connected with me on the surface but seemed distracted. The third was empathetic and knowledgeable but so busy with her master’s program, group sessions and family she was seldom available.

I decided to reconnect with a therapist my family and I worked with when the kids were younger and we needed family counseling around my divorce. This woman, Karen, now specializes in PTSD in military families and with at risk children.

Karen is warm and professional. She listens, reflects what she has heard, and asks for more. When I have said all there is on a topic, she gently, capably suggests helpful ideas. Her wealth of experience allows her to point me toward options. She has an acute bullshit monitor, never missing the difference between hedging and honest introspection.

Sometimes, the answer is right there. Karen was there, but without going through a process, interviewing others and getting in touch with my needs, I might have missed her.

Karen showed me I have PTSD, too – like second-hand smoke damage. I didn’t know that could happen. She did so much for me, that my daughter is seeing her now. For the first time in years, I feel hope for my kids. Finding the right match is that important.

Read more:
Military Rape: A Christmas Story Revisited
Choosing the Right Therapist

Maryan Pelland (maryan at ontext dot com) is a working freelance writer specializing in women’s issues, baby boomer technology and writers’ resources. Find her at Women Day by Day, OnText and DemystifyingDigital.com.

Tags: maryan pelland, posttraumatic stress, ptsd, survivor, therapist, women day by day