Survivors Speak: Combat PTSD on the Homefront

Invisible Illness Awareness Week wouldn’t be complete without highlighting the vet experience of PTSD. Instead of only discussing PTSD from the warrior perspective, however, today I’m doing something a little different. Recently, I interviewed the wife of a vet. It seems important not to forget that family experiences PTSD right alongside survivors and we barely ever get to hear their voices.

Melissa is a 21 year old Army vet wife and mother of two kids. Her blog, Unique-Honor.net, chronicles the vicissitudes of post-army life with 2 young children and her husband, Charles, who struggles with PTSD. As Melissa puts it in this frank post,

I may have my husband all to myself but at what price? Yes he is *here* but mentally he’s a million years away from us. Needless to say between his PTSD and his injuries my husband isn’t here at all.

I had several questions for Melissa; she was kind enough to answer them candidly in this riveting interview.

1. Set the PTSD scene for us: what symptoms is your husband dealing with?

The symptoms that Charles has are nightmares which cause him to have an odd sleep schedule. He won’t sleep unless I’m up and “on guard”.  He avoids anything that reminds him of being “over there” because it causes him to have flashbacks. Triggers for this can be someone driving slow, someone walking up behind him, loud noises, especially fireworks and gun shots and the sound of tractor trailers. He avoids talking about certain people, especially a friend of his that died while deployed because it brings up the memories. He has trouble falling asleep due to the nightmares but also because he says he feels like he’s still over there so its hard for him to sleep while everyone else is. He said it makes him feel “exposed” and “open”. He can get angry over the smallest things. He’s jumpy and gets startled really easy.

2. How did his behavior affect your relationship?

A lot, especially when he first came home. We didn’t know for over a year after he came home that he actually had it but we thought on and off that he did. When he first came home and would have mood swings and ignore Troy (our 4 month old son at the time) & myself I thought that maybe he didn’t want to be with us. That he would rather be deployed. I would think all the time is he mad and upset over missing so much of Tro’ys life? Is he mad at me? Is it just hard adjusting to coming home and all of a sudden being a parent? I had all of these questions running through my head. What was the hardest of all was that he would have months of being himself and months of being this mean person that I didn’t want to be around. I would wake up every day and wonder “which Charles is here now? Is it still the same one I fell asleep next to?”. Now that we know what’s going on its gotten better. Now we don’t have months of mean Charles. Now he shows up maybe once a week.

3. PTSD is a tough diagnosis, especially in the military; symptoms are not always recognized or honored. How did you and Charles discover what was wrong?

I knew something was wrong the first night he was home. It was 8pm at night, we had just gotten home from celebrating. Charles had been begging me the whole last two months of the deployment to go to Red Robin the night he came home. Of course, I agreed and told him anything he wanted he could have. We went out and had a great time. However, he sat facing the door, something Charles has never done before. He had to face the door. He was quiet – reserved almost. Like he didn’t feel comfortable being there. The food came and he ate in literally three seconds. I don’t even think he tasted his burger. Then the minute he was done he wanted to go. So, we got home and gave Troy a bath. Charles stood in the doorway, he kept staring out into the hall way like he expected someone to walk down it. We put Troy to bed and Charles checked every window to make sure it was locked.

We went to our room and I turned on the monitor. We laid down and were just falling asleep when Troy decided to kick the side of his crib making a really, really loud noise. Charles jumped straight up reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. When he freaked out and cried because his gun wasn’t there I knew that something was wrong. This was NOT the man I had said good-bye too. That man wouldn’t be crying over a missing gun. Over the next month I noticed that Charles wouldn’t ever sleep. He would sneak out into the living room when he thought I was asleep. When I did make him stay in bed and try to get some sleep he would wake up me with his screaming.

Then one night I was trying to wake him up from a nightmare and he turned over with his fist raised. I tried to stop him but he hit me. He kept screaming from his nightmare. The next morning when he woke up and saw what he did we both agreed he had to go speak to someone on post. He didn’t even remember hitting me. He said he remembered hitting someone in his nightmare because they were attacking him.

He went and spoke to someone on post and they said it sounded like PTSD but the Army NEVER tested him for it. The VA did over a year later.

4. Did the two of you work together to decide on a plan to find help? If so, how did you do this?

Yes. Both of us knew he had to get help. We both tried everything to get the Army to test him. But they didn’t. Once he got medically retired he went to the VA who tested him the day he asked for it.

5. You mentioned your husband is on a path to healing; what actions have you both taken to get him on his way?

Charles is currently on medicine to help with the nightmares. He also sees a counselor every Friday at 2pm for two hours. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me about it but he won’t. I have recently joined a group in our town called “Spouses Of Veterans”. We meet twice a month and I have a “big sister” who I can call any time. This group has done a lot for me. It’s nice to know that you’re not the only one going through this.

6. What therapeutic interventions has he tried, and what have been the results?

Right now Charles sees a counselor and he joined the local VA and a local group called “Veterans with PTSD”. All three have been a really big help to him. The counselor and the group the most, I think. He came home from his first group meeting so happy and excited. I haven’t seen him that excited about something in a really, really long time. His hope was renewed that he could overcome his PTSD.

7. PTSD takes it’s toll on a relationship; how have you managed to maintain your bond despite dealing with PTSD?

When most people ask I usually tell them that the only reason we’re still together is because I’m stubborn. That night that Charles hit me was one of the worst nights of my life. I always swore that if a guy hit me I was gone. But after everything we’ve been through and all it took just for us to get married there was no way I was going to walk away. But I was really, really close to walking. Now I look back and realize it wasn’t because I was stubborn. I am still head over heels in love with him. I can’t even imagine us not being together. So while I may have not have realized it then I know it now. Now whenever I feel myself getting tested with his PTSD I just remember that “it’s always the darkest before the sun comes out”.

8. What tip(s) do you have for other military families dealing with PTSD and seeking recovery?

Don’t wait to get help. Go today. Do it now. Don’t wait. Because all you are doing is losing time with your family. Also if the Army (or your branch of service) doesn’t want to test you for it: Make them. Don’t let them tell you no. I don’t care what you have to do. Just do what’s necessary to get tested. This isn’t something that you can wait on. Then, once you are on the path of recovery don’t give up! You can do it!

And of course if needed keep repeating — “Love conquers all.”

Curious to hear more from Melissa? Follow her on Twitter @sweetmelissa.

Tags: army, combat ptsd, recovery, Veterans healing, vets