Survivors Speak: Healing Post-Partum PTSD

Leslie Kung is a woman who knows a thing or two about Post-partum PTSD. After a traumatic birth experience she has lived the aftermath as a survivor but also as an innovator. Not content to just be shaped by experience Leslie’s turning what she’s learned into a resource for other suvivors — and healing herself in the process. What a woman! Today, she shares with us how bellydancing and other proactive measures have positvely impacted her PTSD healing.

My hips percuss the air, my ankles flexing, my knees bent and pumping like pistons. My arms are up, fingers and forearms curved and flowing. I am standing straighter than I do in life - shoulders square, my chin up, my eyes bright, and the corners of my lips curling up of their own accord.

Belly dance is my most recent reclaiming of my own body. I shimmy, shake my hips, move my body . . . and I feel like I own my body.

For all those sleepless nights, all those memories which interrupted every moment I needed to care for myself or my baby boy, I dance. For all those fight-or-flight moments which weren’t warranted, for all the hours trapped screaming inside my own head - I dance. I twist the muscles of my sides, driving my hips up and over, feeling the burn of helplessness wring itself out of me as I dance. Sweat it out.

It all started with the birth of my son. Birth is supposed to be a joyous occasion, but mine was a very long experience during which my peaceful home water birth turned into a hospital nightmare. We lived in the NICU for a week, and then we were sent home in a daze.

For months, I forgot it all. Then it all started to rush back into me. The yelling and screaming, the blood, the crazy out-of-control feeling . . . I couldn’t sleep, eat right, or take care of myself. I kept losing my temper at my husband for stupid little things.

Imagine the terror of it - all of a sudden realizing that you’re a shattered mirror. I couldn’t watch television. Every pregnant woman screaming for an epidural on a sitcom made me want to smash the TV. A commercial for the local hospital’s “birth center” made me want to chew my own limb off to escape. I couldn’t stay in the same room with women who began discussing their births.

Months of my life were wasted in this limbo of fear. I started to torture myself with more research about birth. I’d sit in front of the computer screen with tears streaming down my face as I read something that MIGHT have helped our birth, MIGHT have saved my son from his distress. I’d open a book about birth and end up hurling it across the room with a scream that dissolved into tears.

I hid my broken heart. I went out and plastered on a happy face and found playgroups. I took a free class on slings and carriers, bought a nice buckle carrier online, and started a love affair with babywearing. I threw myself into mothering with all of my formidable tenacity. I was a breastfeeding champ, utilized baby sign language, did Elimination Communication with my baby, wore him in slings, and spent a lot of time bonding. I put my mind and heart to work being the best mother I could, using gentle and natural parenting techniques. Then I started to teach others how to use slings and carriers to simplify their lives and ease the transition into motherhood.

It was helping others that finally started to drag me out of my dark cave. I would help a mom and baby with their ring sling, and the smile on their faces would keep me warm inside for the next week. I’d teach someone how to do a back carry, and the look of surprise and satisfaction was all I needed to get me going.

Slowly, I conquered the demons which plagued me. I banished the waking nightmares. I forced myself to remember all of the birth, even parts I’d blocked. I endured playgroup conversations about birth, and found that I could actually participate without fleeing. I found a forum for women who’ve experienced birth trauma. I slowly opened up; I told a few select friends about my birth experience and I WASN’T LAUGHED AT OR DISMISSED.

I kept teaching, filling my life with happy mamas and babies. I continued to read about birth, returning to the idea that I might work with pregnant ladies again, an idea I’d abandoned in my desperation and fear. Maybe I could be a doula or midwife!

I requested a copy of my medical records and did a self-exam to refamiliarize myself with my body. Self-maintenance took longer, and the temper flares still interrupted my days, but slowly and surely I got better. I told myself I would get better, and that I could redefine myself. I blogged a lot, talked about birth, ideal birth conditions, interventions, and birth trauma. All those sleepless nights, I wrote and studied.

Finally, my best friend, her husband and my husband banded together to convince me that I needed to join belly dancing class. I was still reluctant to leave my baby, but I took a chance. For someone who’d loved dancing before her pregnancy, I hadn’t danced in a very long time. I went once and kept going back.

I love the flamboyant remarks of the older woman who teaches us. I love the sensual gyrations, the precise skill of isolating muscle movements, the music, the feel of bodies moving in sync, the feeling of power . . . the exile of helplessness, and the sense of well-being that envelops me during and after each class.

I reclaim my body as I dance. I reach toward a peace and joy that I KNOW I can achieve. I got this far, and I know I can get even further. Most times I’m a survivor, but even that stigma falls away when I put on my hip scarf and step into the circle.

To learn more about and from Leslie visit her newly revamped blog, Love-Knowledge Baby.

For further reading Leslie suggests the following articles:

Post-Partum PTSD
Childbirth, Pregnancy Tied to PTSD
Childbirth Trauma

 Leslie has been kind enough to provide even more post-partum info for the Heal My PTSD web site:

For post-partum resources visit the PTSD Support Resources page of our web site.

For further reading on post-partum PTSD check out the books listed on our Recommended Reading  page.

For a list of post-partum blogs to follow visit the Other Voices page of our web site.

(Photo: Leslie Kung)

Share and Enjoy

Tags: bellydance, heal, post-partum, post-partum ptsd. posttraumatic stress, posttraumtic stress, ptsd, symptoms, treat