Professional Perspective: Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Doing Badly

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When you seek help from a professional you want someone with whom you feel secure, knows what he/she is doing, exudes compassion, empathy, wisdom — and a sense of humor. A sense of humor?? Yes, that’s right. A therapist who doesn’t know how to crack a smile can’t lead you to a life of doing that.

One of the reasons I really enjoy reading Tanya Ruckstuhl Valenti‘s blog is because she’s a trauma therapist who clearly knows her stuff but also has a great sense of fun. Her self-reflections are often grounds for an amusing lesson and her insights into the nature of trauma and the experience of aftereffects and recovery are always on point. I asked her to guest post for ‘Parasitets of the Mind’ and, with a smile, she agreed.

 

My first car was a rusty orange 1969 Pontiac Sunbird with a stick shift and soft brakes.  While learning to drive I sideswiped a Cadillac, knocked over a mailbox, ran over a turtle with both front and rear tire (after swerving to avoid hitting it), and generally made a major road hazard of myself. 

I am happy to say that now, over twenty years later I have a perfect driving record (insert sound of me rapping knuckles on kitchen table) and as fate – that great humorist – would have it, find myself cringing as the teenagers down the street endanger the neighborhood with their own driving. 

As a therapist I see this progression from interest to attempt to mastery as a natural development that can be applied to almost any activity of life. 

Most people don’t do anything well the first time — except perhaps argue with parents.  Wouldn’t you agree? 

Yet I hear people say things like, “I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.  I’m still depressed.”

Pick the most important areas of your life: your family, friends, health and work probably top the chart.  Now, let’s focus on your health.  Most of us eat more vegetables than we actually want, go to the gym to stay fit, pop vitamins when we remember, drink water instead of diet coke, brush teeth, get a flu shot, and wash our hands regularly.  What if we took only one of these measures?  How healthy would you be if you worked out regularly but ate only Twinkies? 

Trying anything just once, and in one way should be limited to the truly irrelevant things, like putting pink highlights in your hair, or watching a documentary about the social behavior of lemmings (spoiler alert: they die). 

For the stuff that really matters I would suggest more of a drag net approach.  If you don’t know what will work, try everything until some combination of things does.  The elegant way I once heard it said was,

“If you don’t know what to do, do any damn thing.”

Add another caveat: allow yourself to be truly, uniquely, and horribly bad at anything you are learning, including being emotionally balanced. 

In service to my own mental health I have received individual, family, and couples therapy.  I have been to therapists who have made huge positive impact in my life as well as therapists who didn’t do much for me.  I drag my husband to attend marriage encounter weekends, assertive communication courses, Gottman’s “Loving Families” program, and scheduled date nights.  These days I’m grooving along with an EMDR therapy trade, weekly meditation, exercise, getting massage, keeping a journal, and going for walks around Green Lake, Seattle’s most fabulous city park.    

And before you write me off as some suburbanite gad-fly with loads of time and money to play around with self-development (Oh, please let that be my next lifetime!), check out my full disclosure:  I do all that on top of parenting high energy seven-year-old Tasmanian devils twin boys, being the primary household earner, running a private therapy practice, volunteering at my children’s school, and providing one day a week of service work for a nonprofit agency.  So gentle reader, you too can make time to take care of yourself!

What is the exact combination of activities and support that will hit the reset button on your stress level?  I don’t know for sure, but supportive psychotherapy combined with physical, creative, and spiritual outlets is almost always a winner. 

Just remember that like me learning to drive, you will feel awkward at first.  But if you keep working towards your wellbeing, it will evolve and grow into something you can trust and be good at maintaining. 

So now it’s your turn to teach me folks!  What has worked for you?  What has NOT worked for you?  And for both questions: why??

Tanya Ruckstuhl-Valenti LICSW is a Seattle-based trauma specialist who works with individuals and couples dealing with post traumatic stress disorder and/or attention deficit disorder.  You can find her on-line at therapistseattle.net and her trauma blog at seattletherapist.wordpress.com.

Tags: heal, ptsd, symptoms, tanya ruckstuhl valenti, therapy, trauma, treat